The author has written a series for Sabrangindia around the fictional world of the character, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Here is the latest:
The Chief Election Commissioner
New Delhi
20 August 2025
Hon’ble Sir
Please allow me to introduce my humble self.
I inherited a furniture business from my late father, Behramji Navrozeji Puranafurniturewala. I love to tinker with vintage furniture. I chisel and polish them to befit the glory of Amrit Kaal. I am also known for my observations on social events. I write occasional letters to global leaders who, I would like to believe, value my sharp analysis of current affairs and my typical Bawa sangfroid!
I have been watching the Special Intensive Revision exercise in Bihar (SIR) with great interest. I laud your most noble goal of disqualifying folks who have no business to be in our glorious land and who should have no contact, whatsoever, with our holy ballot boxes.
Unprincipled elements have, however, created a foul narrative that suggests that you are deviously invalidating citizenship rights of people. Where you say you have rightfully expunged 6.5 mill folks in Bihar from the electoral rolls, those who envy your powers say that you have denied 6.5 mill folks their rights!
Your goal is honorable. Sir. Do not shy away from it. I implore you to embark on this mission nationwide. I would only recommend that you simplify your methods to those that ordinary people can relate to.
Here are some suggestions on simplifying the Indian citizenship exercise:
- A self-attested affidavit confirming that the applicant has on numerous occasions given or accepted “donations of gratitude” to get things accomplished when official methods did not yield desired results, with examples of no less than five instances of merit. This is the surest way to certify that the applicant has Indian DNA.
- Men can provide self-attested affidavits confirming that they have been living their lives following the purest traditions of patriarchy, archetypal in our land. They can provide examples of their practices, habits and rituals that validate their claim. Once their claims have been found valid, which should be routine, all women living with such men should be granted automatic citizenship.
- Those owning vehicles or driving ones for vehicle owners, can self-certify how many times a day they hoot or honk or park their vehicles in “No Parking zones”. Those exceeding five times a day, must be regarded as citizens. Those falling short must undergo “appropriate orientation”, before re-applying.
- People who live in neighborhoods that are unsanitary by any hygiene standards – those living near piles of garbage, those willfully disposing off garbage on the roads, in the rivers, in public spaces, those who walk past garbage multiple times during the day without batting an eyelid, should easily qualify as Indian citizens. A simple self-attestation with relevant pictures of garbage as described in above situations, should suffice.
- What about folks who live most of their lives in the digital world? They should be treated with equal courtesy. Folks with social media profiles that discredit others on the basis of their caste, class, gender, color, orientation should be considered native citizens and can provide self-attestation with screenshots of their social media posts.
- Those who have refined “spitting” to a fine art and who can deploy their oral colored projectiles with pinpoint accuracy should send five unique photographs of their artwork and claim citizenship.
- Those who employ people and pay them way below “living wages” and / or make them work over 70 hours a week, ought to be a special category of citizens. No evidence should be required for such stellar folks.
I hope you get the drift. Your team can no doubt be a lot more creative and find easier and more convenient means of citizen identification.
Seeking documentary evidence like birth certificates, domicile certificates, passports, education certificates, caste certificates, family registers, land / house allotment certificates, has spooked folks of varying social class and literacy.
You may recall that the Hon’ble PM once said “There is simplicity in every Indian”. Hence expectations from them must also be innocent and simple. The documentary evidence that I have recommended will be recognized by folks across levels of social classes and literacy. These can be provided easily without much struggle. It will also obviate the need to employ short cut methods by your staff to “fill and sign the forms on behalf of the people without their knowledge” as has been alleged by some annoying elements of society.
I would also urge that you make the results public. Names of all who have qualified as citizens along with the basis of their citizenship should be made public. This will dispel all notions of ECI being opaque and arbitrary in its methods. Nomenclature of “citizenship categories” should be simple such as – Gratification Donor, Hooter, No Parking Veteran, Patriarch, Living with Patriarch, Digital Irritant, Living in Empathy with Garbage, Accomplished Spitter and Star Employer.
A welcome outcome of this exercise, if simplified as suggested, will be the easy exclusion of those who bring impediments to the growth and prosperity of our nation. These are folks who want to change things. They move around being honest, purposeful, sincere and caring. And trying to make a difference to other people’s lives! In other words, not minding their own business! For inexplicable reasons, they dream of an India that once celebrated its diversity and found strength in it – an India that should provide equal opportunity and dignity to all! Is such a nation desirable?
Your faithful and most law abiding citizen (by the Hooter criteria)
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
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