Illustration Credit: Derek Monteiro
The other day, an old trusted friend was dishing out wisdom on Natural Nutrition. Banana, he said, is the common man’s fruit. It can hold its own against most of its rivals. It is an all year fruit, and cheap. My ears cocked up. He went on, “Rich in vitamins, minerals, fiber, iron, calcium – it can be a curry, a snack and even a dessert. Raw bananas are also a diabetic’s delight. If you own a banana tree, you may be holding a king’s ransom, for every part of the tree – the flower, the leaf, the stem and the fruit – is edible. It can grow anywhere, in the poorest of soils and even if tended with grey water!”
I could take no more. Having been brought up in the lap of Alphonso mangoes, I decided that this nice man needed a Gujarat model-like dose of reality. I asked him if he had heard of the Apple that kept the doctor away? Realising that he probably hadn’t, I went ahead with ruthless precision, “So why is a banana-head a stupid person? Or why is a one banana problem something even a trained monkey can handle? If one is talking bananas, what is one talking about if not nonsense? Why is acting like a banana, pretending to be what you are not? Like a young Opposition leader who pretends to be one. And if you are being fed banana oil, what are you being fed with? Knowledge and wisdom? Or you are being fed with disingenuous drivel or something that is exaggerated to flatter – like the videos of the same young Opposition leader who is always finding flaw with one thing or another?”
I soon realised that a regular diet of bananas had annihilated this man’s brains. He had perhaps forgotten that our honorable Prime Minister gave interviews to talk about – not bananas – but mangoes! I mocked his contention that a fruit with a name ending in na can be rich. I rebuked, “For a Banana to have everything, it would have to be called a Ban-ani!”. He continued to look defiant. I suddenly realised he was showing traits of a recently discovered species called “urban naxals”. Specimens of these species are seeking equity, kindness, compassion, enlightenment, fraternity, tolerance and other metaphysical, anti-national things that no one understands or wants. I made up my mind. He needed some solid UAPA-like treatment. An Ultimate Antidote for People Abnormal. A technique that is designed to make you normal and conform to what other normal people do – mind their own business and not shake the tree – not even the one with bananas.
I assumed my most authoritative and menacing Shah of India – like manner and roared, “We are a country whose economy is in shambles. It has been struck by a triplet of thunderbolts – demonetisation, GST and Covid19 – and yet the people are filled with the confidence of a V shape recovery. We have a few crore unemployed people, yet everyone is busy following the sad suicide of a young actor to seek justice for him. Because justice is more important than hunger and unemployment. Much of our profitable public sector, once strategic and flourishing, is now on the block, and will be in the hands of a few. Because we believe that Privatization will bring a glorious future. Our Leader promised that Corona will vanish in 21 days. Now millions are infected with the Corona bug, and the numbers keep growing. Yet we remain assured of a quick flattening of the curve. What’s more, to save the parliamentarians and the people from needless pressure in these uncertain times, even the Question hour will be suspended. Our institutions follow faithfully the rule of law – of one Wise, Strong man. Our prisons have people like doctors, lawyers, poets, teachers, students – the Abnormals, who are being given the Antidote. Some for rejecting laws that make some citizens, hmm, un-citizens. Others for just being who they are. And now the courts have even confirmed that listening to the voice of conscience has a price. Not even the threat of a giant, ambitious bully at our borders has moved us away from ruthlessly exposing our internal enemies and scratching old fault lines.
And yet, despite being the world’s largest producer of bananas, has India ever been called a Banana Republic?!”
(Chandru Chawla has a normal day time job and writes at night to retain his insanity
Derek Monteiro is a laidback artist, poet and composer, who dabbles in jazz to annoy and disperse pesky pigeons on his windowsill)
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