The Dazzling Den by the Sea

Colaba, Mumbai

September 1, 2025

To

The Honourable Minister of Road Transport and Highways,

Government of India,

New Delhi – 110001

Subject: Ethanol Blended Everything for a Happier Bharat

Hon’ble Sir,

Allow me to introduce myself. My full time vocation is to dialogue with luminaries like yourself on matters of national and global importance. In the past, leaders like Xi, Trump and our very own Supreme Leader, have benefited from my musings. On the side, I dabble in vintage woodcraft.

What an exciting pantomime you’ve started with this Ethanol Blended Petrol (EBP) initiative!

E20 is in every pump, saving ₹1.44 lakh crore in forex for the nation. It is making farmers happy. You have also promised Green Hydrogen at $1 per kilo! Wow, you will soon become the Tata – Birla of renewable dreams!

However, as a proud Parsi sitting in my den by the sea, sipping ethanol free chai (for now), I’m wondering, “Why stop at petrol? If sugarcane juice can fuel our Maruti Swifts, why not blend ethanol into everything else for national importance? Why don’t we make India the world’s Ethanol Republic?

Here’s my humble list of ethanol blended goodies to revolutionize our desi lifestyle, reduce emissions, and maybe even make us giggle like we would at a Parsi double meaning play. 

Ethanol Blended Milk (E20 Moo)

Sir, our cows are burping methane like nobody’s business. At 25 kilos per cow per year, it’s enough to rival a Gurgaon traffic jam smog! We should blend 20% ethanol into milk, and voila, one could calm the cow’s tummy, cut methane emissions, and give kids a fizzy milkshake that doubles as a science experiment. Amul’s next tagline could be “The Taste of India, now with a Kick!” The cows might wobble a bit, but think of the forex savings. No need to import methane scrubbers when we’ve got ethanol straight from Maharashtra’s sugarcane fields. Any downside? Kids might start singing “Tumhi ho mata, ethanol tumhi ho” at school assemblies.

Ethanol Blended Cooking Oil (E10 Fry)

Why fry our bhajiyas in boring groundnut or palm oil when we can splash in 10% ethanol? Our pakoras will pop with patriotic zeal. The kitchen will smell like a Mallya distillery, reminding us of the Good Times. Ethanol’s high octane could literally make our samosas combust with flavour! The economic impact will be significant with less oil import (₹12 lakh crore saved, like EBP). If the kadhai catches fire, it’s just a “green flame” for Bharat’s glory. We might of course need fireproof aprons, but that’s a small price for a crispy, eco-friendly vada-pav. 

Ethanol Blended Pani Puri (E15 Gol Gappa)

Our street food needs a patriotic upgrade! Mix 15% ethanol into the theekha pani, and every gol gappa will become a tribute to energy security. The spicy kick will mask the ethanol tang, and the buzz will have our chaat lovers dancing to “Bharat Mata ki Jai” on the streets. Health benefit? Ethanol’s antiseptic properties might kill off that dodgy bacteria from roadside stalls. Downside? We’ll need designated drivers for pani-puri binges. But hey, that may create a million new jobs for Ola & Uber! 

Ethanol Blended Chai (E10 Brew)

Chai is our national drink, isn’t it?  Let’s blend 10% ethanol into every cup, and we’ll have our yuppies zipping through spreadsheets like a hydrogen powered Tata bus. The sugarcane farmers will thank you, and we’ll save forex by cutting coffee imports (who needs Starbucks when you’ve got Ethanol Chai?). Less milk would mean fewer methane belching cows. An upside could be that Irani cafés might turn into karaoke bars, with uncles singing “Chaiyya Chaiyya” off-key. 

Ethanol-Blended Roshogulla (E20 Sweet)

Why stop at liquids? We should infuse our beloved roshogullas with 20% ethanol syrup, turning every bite into a patriotic sugar rush. Kolkata’s sweet shops should lead this charge. We should even export these sizzling balls to beat Brazil’s ethanol game. Emission reduction? Maybe not, but the happiness index will soar, and happy citizens would burn less fossil fuel. We may have to warn diabetics to stick to sugar free E0 roshogullas. 

Ethanol-Blended Incense Sticks (E5 Agarbatti)

For our temples and yoga retreats, we could blend 5% ethanol into agarbatti for a cleaner burn, literally and spiritually. The smoke will carry ethanol’s green vibes to the gods, reducing our carbon karma. As agarbattis spread the smell of a sugarcane distillery, devotees will be reminded of your EBP success. Downside? Priests might start dancing during aarti. We could attribute that to divine enthusiasm!

Why These Ideas, Sir?

The EBP program is a green dream saving ₹1.44 lakh crore and making farmers rich (₹40,000 crore in 2025 alone). It is also cutting CO2 by a modest 0-8%. But here’s the catch: our beloved sugarcane, the heart of this ethanol utopia, is a water-guzzling beast, slurping 7,150 litres per litre of ethanol while our rivers and groundwater in Maharashtra and Uttar Pradesh cry for mercy! It’s like dieting with gulab jamuns, a noble intent, though a messy outcome. Brazil’s E27 program faces the same paradox, drying up their fields for a 10-20% emission cut. Why not blend ethanol into our chai and roshogullas instead, saving water and letting us sip our way to a greener Bharat without turning our farms into deserts?

Brazil went all in with E27 and flex-fuel vehicles. The ethanol blended doodh, pakoras, and roshogullas will diversify our ethanol use and make every Indian a stakeholder in this green revolution. And, if you’re dreaming of offering hydrogen at $1/kg, why not dream of ethanol in every chai stall and sweet shop? 

How to Make It Happen? 

Label Everything. Brazil’s pumps scream “E27” or “E100.” Our doodhwallahs and chaatwallahs need “E20 Moo” or “E15 Gol Gappa” signs, mandated by the Petroleum & Natural Gas Regulatory Board, to avoid confusion. No one should get a sober pani-puri by mistake!

Subsidize Blending. Offer ₹2,000 crore to Amul and Haldiram’s for ethanol-blending R&D, like your ₹19,744 crore subsidy for hydrogen fuel. If Reliance can aim for $1/kg hydrogen, why not $1/litre ethanol chai?

Do nationwide Consumer Education. Launch ads with you sipping E10 chai, saying, “Bharat ka fuel, Bharat ka taste!” Brazil’s ethanol ads won hearts. We need the Bollywood Khans to sell ethanol roshogullas.

Retrofit Industrial Kitchens. Like Maruti’s E20 kits (₹9,000-₹16,000), fund ethanol compatible kadhais and doodh vats. No corrosion in our bhajiyas, please!

A Small Favour

If hydrogen hits ₹80/kg ($1/kg), can we get a Parsi discount on FCEVs? My old Fiat can’t handle E20, and a Toyota Mirai at ₹50 lakh is a bit much for my humble budget. Until then, I’ll dream of ethanol blended bheja fry at Kyani Café.

Yours in patriotic and slightly tipsy fervour,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

Proud Parsi / Ethanol Enthusiast / Far-out Furniture Fan 

P.S. Do invite me to the E20 roshogulla launch. I’ll bring my own ethanol-blended kaju katli!

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The post The Nation needs an Ethanol Republic – A Satire appeared first on SabrangIndia.

The Chief Election Commissioner
New Delhi
20 August 2025

Hon’ble Sir

Please allow me to introduce my humble self.

I inherited a furniture business from my late father, Behramji Navrozeji Puranafurniturewala.  I love to tinker with vintage furniture. I chisel and polish them to befit the glory of Amrit Kaal.  I am also known for my observations on social events. I write occasional letters to global leaders who, I would like to believe, value my sharp analysis of current affairs and my typical Bawa sangfroid!

I have been watching the Special Intensive Revision exercise in Bihar (SIR) with great interest. I laud your most noble goal of disqualifying folks who have no business to be in our glorious land and who should have no contact, whatsoever, with our holy ballot boxes.

Unprincipled elements have, however, created a foul narrative that suggests that you are deviously invalidating citizenship rights of people. Where you say you have rightfully expunged 6.5 mill folks in Bihar from the electoral rolls, those who envy your powers say that you have denied 6.5 mill folks their rights!

Your goal is honorable. Sir.  Do not shy away from it. I implore you to embark on this mission nationwide. I would only recommend that you simplify your methods to those that ordinary people can relate to.

Here are some suggestions on simplifying the Indian citizenship exercise:

• A self-attested affidavit confirming that the applicant has on numerous occasions given or accepted “donations of gratitude” to get things accomplished when official methods did not yield desired results, with examples of no less than five instances of merit. This is the surest way to certify that the applicant has Indian DNA.
• Men can provide self-attested affidavits confirming that they have been living their lives following the purest traditions of patriarchy, archetypal in our land. They can provide examples of their practices, habits and rituals that validate their claim. Once their claims have been found valid, which should be routine, all women living with such men should be granted automatic citizenship.
• Those owning vehicles or driving ones for vehicle owners, can self-certify how many times a day they hoot or honk or park their vehicles in “No Parking zones”. Those exceeding five times a day, must be regarded as citizens. Those falling short must undergo “appropriate orientation”, before re-applying.
• People who live in neighborhoods that are unsanitary by any hygiene standards – those living near piles of garbage, those willfully disposing off garbage on the roads, in the rivers, in public spaces, those who walk past garbage multiple times during the day without batting an eyelid, should easily qualify as Indian citizens. A simple self-attestation with relevant pictures of garbage as described in above situations, should suffice.
• What about folks who live most of their lives in the digital world? They should be treated with equal courtesy. Folks with social media profiles that discredit others on the basis of their caste, class, gender, color, orientation should be considered native citizens and can provide self-attestation with screenshots of their social media posts.
• Those who have refined “spitting” to a fine art and who can deploy their oral colored projectiles with pinpoint accuracy should send five unique photographs of their artwork and claim citizenship.
• Those who employ people and pay them way below “living wages” and / or make them work over 70 hours a week, ought to be a special category of citizens. No evidence should be required for such stellar folks.

I hope you get the drift. Your team can no doubt be a lot more creative and find easier and more convenient means of citizen identification.

Seeking documentary evidence like birth certificates, domicile certificates, passports, education certificates, caste certificates, family registers, land / house allotment certificates, has spooked folks of varying social class and literacy.

You may recall that the Hon’ble PM once said “There is simplicity in every Indian”. Hence expectations from them must also be innocent and simple. The documentary evidence that I have recommended will be recognized by folks across levels of social classes and literacy. These can be provided easily without much struggle. It will also obviate the need to employ short cut methods by your staff to “fill and sign the forms on behalf of the people without their knowledge” as has been alleged by some annoying elements of society.

I would also urge that you make the results public. Names of all who have qualified as citizens along with the basis of their citizenship should be made public. This will dispel all notions of ECI being opaque and arbitrary in its methods. Nomenclature of “citizenship categories” should be simple such as – Gratification Donor, Hooter, No Parking Veteran, Patriarch, Living with Patriarch, Digital Irritant, Living in Empathy with Garbage, Accomplished Spitter and Star Employer.

A welcome outcome of this exercise, if simplified as suggested, will be the easy exclusion of those who bring impediments to the growth and prosperity of our nation. These are folks who want to change things. They move around being honest, purposeful, sincere and caring. And trying to make a difference to other people’s lives! In other words, not minding their own business! For inexplicable reasons, they dream of an India that once celebrated its diversity and found strength in it – an India that should provide equal opportunity and dignity to all! Is such a nation desirable?

Your faithful and most law abiding citizen (by the Hooter criteria)

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

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Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
The Dazzling Den by the Sea
Colaba, Mumbai

August 15, 2025

To

Hon’ble Rahul Gandhi,
Leader of Opposition, Lok Sabha,
New Delhi.

Subject: Multiple Voter IDs Are My Democratic Right

Dear Rahul, 

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala here, Colaba’s czar of vintage teak and a chap who’d polish Modi’s kurta buttons if asked. 

You might recall my previous missive, where I skewered your Lok Sabha manifesto with the sharpness of a carpenter’s chisel. As a pen-pal to global bigwigs like Donald Trump and our own Esteemed Leader, I like to believe that my musings on democracy and rosewood almirahs carry some weight. 

But today, I’m positively peeved, Bro Rahul. 

Your August 7 voter list fraud tamasha poured cold water on my polyelectory parade, and I won’t have it!

You’re out there waving voter lists thicker than my Aunt Deliz’s recipe book, crying “chori” over 1,00,250 dodgy votes in Mahadevapura. 

Gurkirat Singh Dang had four EPIC numbers, Shakun Rani is doubling as a “first-time voter” at age 71 and 68 voters are residing at a Whitefield brewery! Isn’t that exciting and spicy like a Parsi Dhansak? So why the long face? 

For chaps like me, this polyelectory or the art of casting multiple votes under sundry aliases isn’t fraud; it’s just democratic disco! Your exposé feels like an assault on my right to project new identities! I demand my right to vote multiple times under different identities!

Look here, Bro, you have had a Thali, haven’t you? You would have enjoyed the rich variety of currys, dals, pickles, sweets, rice and rotis, packed in one Thali. We similarly crave to be many different personas in our daily lives. 

By day, I’m a son, a husband, a vintage furniture aficionado; by night, a dreamer of rakish personas. A philanderer, a party crasher, or that uncle who lectures the kids about “sanskaar” while sneakily gorging away extra jalebis. 

Some of us graduate to epic roles: a chaiwala turned global statesman, a godman turned yoga guru despite a murky past, or a neta who morphs from a rabble-rouser to a ribbon-cutter. The paanwala desires to be a real estate baron, the village sarpanch is secretly dreaming of being a mining magnate, the humble bank clerk is craving a Swiss bank account! 

Speaking for myself, I yearn to play Pritam Mewani, the suave Gujarati tycoon bagging airports and ports with a wink to the powers-that-be, or Anthony Gonsalves, the lady-killer serenading Colaba’s belles, or Percy Mody, the escape artist vanishing to the Caribbean with a billion dollar bank loan, leaving only a whiff of sandalwood cologne. 

I seek voteversatility to allow me to vote as each of these avatars. Why do you seek to clip my wings? Your fuss about fake addresses such as “House No. 0,” or 80 voters in a 10 sq. ft. room, or a hip name like “ilsdfhug” for a father’s name misses the point. It’s not rigging; it’s kick ass creativity, like naming my 1920s lamp “Art Deco Dazzler.” 

And those 10,452 voters crammed into one address? That’s just a voter mela, like all my aunties piling into my vintage 1962 Fiat to go to a wedding feast. You claim a crore new voters sprouted in Maharashtra faster than monsoon weeds. Fabulous! Its democracy’s dhansak, and I want seconds. 

Why shouldn’t I vote as Cyrus B. Puranafurniturewala in one booth, Cy P. Wala in another, and “Teak Tycoon” at a third, with addresses like “3B, Sea Breeze,” “That Posh Pad by the Irani Café,” or “Flat Overlooking the Sea, Colaba”? My voter ID photos could sport disguises such as a moustache for Pritam, shades for Anthony, a fake beard for Percy. It’s Bollywood style polyelectory!

Instead of demanding CCTV footage or digital voter lists, why not demand a Ministry of Multiple Identities? Imagine a grand office issuing voter cards to every deserving dreamer, working hand-in-glove with the Ministries of Home, Finance, and Fantasy to ensure we all get to play our parts. I’d queue up for IDs as Pritam, Anthony, and Percy, voting for progress, panache, and a quick getaway. 

This Independence Day, Rahul bro, please champion my freedom to be whoever I fancy: a tycoon, a heartthrob, or an absconder, whenever and wherever I please. Don’t let the Constitution’s stuffy rules sand down my democratic dazzle!

So, please defuse your “atom bomb” of proof and join the Masti of Multivotery. Let’s make polling booths as lively as the Colaba flea market, where every alias is a steal and every vote a new swagger. Your dimples deserve a smile, not a scowl, as we dance through this voter ID vaudeville.

With the warmest salutations and in fervent expectation of propitious tidings,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

P.S. If you spot me voting thrice, it’s just Percy Mody practicing for the Caribbean Cha-cha-cha!

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To His Excellency, President Xi Jinping,

Leader of the Great People’s Republic of China,

Beijing

March 20, 2025

Dear President Xi,

Greetings from the cluttered workshop of Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, a humble craftsman in a land where furniture holds stronger than promises. I write to you with a heart heavy with envy and a tongue dipped in satire, gazing across the Himalayas at your glittering megacities, your relentless factories, your citizens marching in lockstep towards a future we in India can only glimpse in Bollywood sci-fi flops. China, it seems, has sprinted so far ahead that we’re left wheezing in the dust of your progress, trapped in the low-middle-income dump—or “trap,” as the polite economists call it.

And so, I come to you as a desperate petitioner, begging you to level the playing field. Not by lifting us up, mind you, but by dragging China down to our exquisite level of self-inflicted chaos. 

We in India have become maestros of mismanagement, with a towering figure whose name echoes through the winds (and WhatsApp forwards). He has gifted us a playbook of dysfunction so masterful it deserves a Nobel Prize in reverse engineering. I implore you, Your Excellency, to borrow a few pages from it. Let China stumble for a decade or two – make it three—why rush greatness? Unleash upon your orderly nation the divine art of bedlam, and let’s compete as equals in the swamp of stagnation.

Here’s how you might begin.

First, take a leaf from our economic gospel: prop up a single tycoon until he’s a colossus, towering over fair competition. Shower him with ports, airports, coal mines, and contracts, while smaller players choke on red tape and despair. Watch your GDP soar on paper while the invisible hand of the market gets a cramp from saluting one man. We’ve perfected this art, ensuring that wealth trickles up to the penthouse while the rest of us scramble for the crumbs. It’s a brilliant distraction—people are too busy marvelling at private jets to notice the potholes.

Next, throttle your opposition with the finesse of a chess grandmaster. Unleash your agencies—tax authorities, investigators, the works—to hound dissenters into submission. Label them traitors, freeze their accounts, and raid their homes at midnight. Turn this into a national sport, ensuring that only one voice rings out, loud and unchallenged, while the rest are gagged or exhausted. It’s democracy, but with a twist—like a Bollywood plot where the hero always wins, and the villains conveniently vanish.

Then, force a linguistic straitjacket on your diverse nation. Pick Mandarin, perhaps, and ram it down every throat, from Tibet to Guangdong. Tell the rest their tongues are quaint relics, unfit for modernity. We’re doing wonders with Hindi, alienating our southern states—those pesky, prosperous rebels who dare to thrive without bowing to the northern script. Add a dash of delimitation to the mix—redraw your political map to dilute their influence. Threaten to shrink their parliamentary seats, and watch them squirm as power tilts toward your loyal heartland. It will be called a masterstroke, ensuring unity through resentment.

While you’re at it, dismantle your autonomous institutions with surgical glee. Universities, courts, election bodies—turn them into obedient puppets dancing to your tune. Steadily strangle them, replacing inconvenient independents with nodding loyalists. It’s liberating, really—why bother with checks and balances when you can have a choir singing your praises? And if you’re feeling generous, cede some territory to a neighbour—perhaps a chunk of Xinjiang to Russia. Call it diplomacy, shrug off the critics, and let the maps rewrite themselves.

Now, for the cultural flourish: embrace mumbo jumbo with open arms. Promote cow dung and cow urine as cure-alls—or pig dung and pig urine, to suit your tastes. Declare them scientific marvels, peddle them on state TV, and jail anyone who dares to snicker. Just like bovine worship here turned into a growth industry, side-line pesky things like hospitals and labs. Sprinkle in some religious fervour—proclaim yourself a divine avatar, maybe Mao reincarnated with a heavenly mandate. Let your people riot over your celestial guest list, as one is seeing here with Aurangzeb’s ghost. It’s a splendid way to keep them busy while inflation leaps like a kangaroo on steroids and unemployment cripples the young (they’re too idle anyway).

Speaking of distraction, target interfaith love with righteous zeal. Call it “love jihad” or some catchy equivalent—say, “Coupling Sabotage”—and paint it as a conspiracy to undermine your nation. Turn romance into a battlefield, jailing couples who dare cross religious lines, while mobs cheer. It’s a unifying cause—nothing bonds a people like policing bedrooms. And don’t stop there: dehumanize a few groups for good measure. Pick your Muslims and Dalits—perhaps your Uyghurs and rural poor—and strip them of dignity. Call them threats, invaders, lesser beings; let laws and lynching do the rest. Hone this craft, ensuring that unity comes at the cost of a few million souls.

Let communal disharmony bloom like a toxic flower. Stoke ancient grudges—dig up some Ming Dynasty feud and make it today’s headlines. Learn how you can profit from resurrecting Mughal ghosts like Aurangzeb to spark riots while the present burns. Set a few provinces ablaze—your own Manipur Moment—and watch drug addiction rise like incense at a prayer meeting. Cronyism, too, should flourish; let your loyalists loot the coffers while the rest queue for handouts. Orchestrate your tycoons and riots in perfect harmony—progress can wait.

The beauty of this plan, Your Excellency, is its sheer audacity. Your bullet trains could rust into bullock carts, your AI hubs morph into astrology dens, your global dominance fade into endless debates about who built what 500 years ago. Distract your citizens with grand tales of your divine origins—a comet foretold your birth, perhaps?—and let the graveyards of history become your national pastime. Turn nostalgia into a narcotic, force-feeding your people the past while the future slips through their fingers like sand.

I confess, there’s a sting in this plea, a bitter edge to my satire. We are folks who were once sold a dazzling dream—trillion-dollar visions, a seat at the world’s table. But now? We’re cheated of that promise, marched backward to exhume skeletons while your great nation builds tomorrow. Our youth scroll X for memes, our leaders peddle cow dung cures, and our southern states simmer under Hindi’s yoke. Muslims and Dalits are scapegoats, love is a crime, and a tycoon’s empire grows while competition withers. Agencies silence dissent, institutions crumble, and territory slips away—all under the banner of greatness.

So, I beg you, President Xi: join us in this grand farce. Mismanage your nation with flair—let religious fervour, cronyism, and chaos reign. Let’s race to the bottom together, two ancient civilizations wading through the same muck, our people too busy fighting over dung to notice the stars. Only then can we compete on even terms, equals in entropy, comrades in collapse. May the best mismanager win—and may the furniture I craft outlast both our futures.

Yours in sardonic solidarity,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

Mumbai, India

(Where the wood is solid, but the dreams splinter) 

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To,

His Excellency,

The Honorable Beloved Leader

I bow in front of thee a million times in awe and admiration. I know how busy you are on your campaign trail across the length and breadth of this country. What a wonderful idea it was to spread this election over 7 phases and 2 months. It has given every nook and corner of the country the divine opportunity to witness the toil you put in for the nation.

Your Excellency, you will be glad to know the efforts this loyal fan of yours has put in to support your continued reign. When the Indian National Congress came out with their manifesto, I was the first to shoot out a tersely worded missive to Rahul Gandhi, soundly admonishing him on the absurd promises:

• Guarantee of 30 lakh government jobs, as opposed to your time tested strategy of temporary contracting or idling
• Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year apprenticeship for educated youth, walking away from your simple and effective strategy of working hard on merit or practicing simple “pakoda” entrepreneurship
• Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year to one woman from every poor family, possibly allowing their families more education, but depriving us of cheap, illiterate labour
• Guarantee of MSP to farmers, depriving your Big Business friends from their rightful profits in hoarding food stocks

These are but a few of my criticisms. Since then, I have noted your own sharp rebuttals – calling it cleverly, the manifesto of the Muslim League. Or stealing mangalsutras of Hindu women to – devilishly – enrich Muslim women. I have also noted that a few of your carefully chosen confidantes have hinted on possible changes to the Constitution. This is welcome. The Constitution must be a living document and must reflect the aspirations of the most educated, the most privileged and the ones with the most means. Only then, can our great nation reclaim its lost glory.

That brings me to the manifesto released by Your Excellency. You will be overjoyed to know that our society, The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B, has endorsed you vision of Viksit Bharat 2047 and passed resolutions to that effect. It has also resolved to adopt the UCC within its society members, making us the first housing society to embrace your vision.

The warm welcome to your Viksit Bharat Vision proves to us all that you are the only rightful heir to take our nation ahead. Yet there remain some neigh sayers. Like Commie Chacko, our society’s General Secretary who has made some incendiary remarks about your conduct. I make some recommendations below on how to crush these urban naxals with finality.

• On the charges of corruption in your party – I suggest that Ratan Tata, as the trustee, declare the names of all the donors to the PM Cares Fund and the detailed use of funds and personally clarify all the questions that may arise. All corruption allegations will vanish
• On the charge that you have misused investigative agencies – it is easy to demonstrate their neutrality by sacrificing some your party colleagues – the ones you do not want anymore – by handing them over to the agencies
• On the charge that your concerns for women safety and their respect, are fake, as there are many people with rape and sexual assault charges in your party – I suggest that you surround yourselves by women for a few weeks – any women – and show them smiling, laughing and having a good time. This should dispel the myth that you are not pro-women
• On the charge that you have conceded territory to China and are afraid to do anything about it – you have rightfully rejected this. You should highlight that trade with China has gone up. Is trade better or useless border territory?
• On the charge that you have encouraged hatred towards Muslims and have used this as an election ploy – You have aptly retorted that if you ever did this, you wouldn’t be fit for public life
• On the charge that Ambani and Adani are funding the enemy – One can immediately give out a dozen new airport leases to the latter and free unlimited 5G spectrum to the former – this will dispel the gloom and also bring much needed relief to the markets
• On the charge that you are afraid of a press conference – I suggest that you engage the services of your very able mimic, Shyam Rangeela to handle this and have Karan Thapar in the panel of interviewers. Mr. Rangeela, should be appropriately coutured by your very own fashion consultant. He has been mimicking you successfully for a few years and will hit the ground running
• On the charge that you are not a family man and hence devoid of empathy – While all your party colleagues and fans like I have warmly called themselves your family members, this has evidently not proved sufficient. I suggest that you command your friends, Bibi, Joe, Vladimir, Rishi, Barack, Emmanuel, Bill and Xi to casually mention in their speeches that they are now part of your family
• On the charge that you are a fake Vishwaguru – I would suggest that you move on and declare yourself as PrithviGuru. Your vision of Viksit Bharat 2047, after all, will save the whole planet. Will it not?
• On the charge that you lie a lot – It is hard to convince people that there is no absolute truth but only versions of it. I empathize with your predicament. As kids, we would say “God promise” and that would be it. You, on the other hand, could say, “Ram Satya” and that would be gospel
• On the charge that your pet schemes like Demonetization, GST implementation, Swach Bharat, 100 Smart Cities, Doubling Farmer’s incomes, generating 2 crore jobs a year, reducing fuel prices, Bringing Black Money back and depositing Rs 15 lakhs in every account, reducing inequality and poverty – have been disasters – I am personally glad that you do not talk about them anymore. Ordinary people do not understand data. However, they do appreciate a dreamy vision. Your defense should be along the lines, “I do not sit on my past laurels. I must keep moving forward and showing you bigger dreams of what is possible”
• On the charge that ECI is not acting independently in this election – I would suggest that you ask your friend Vladimir or Xi to send some independent observers and certify the election as “fair and neutral”
• On the charge that you are afraid to visit Manipur – clearly a man as busy as you cannot be everywhere, even if he wants to. But you can bring Manipur over – you could inaugurate a Manipur Rock Festival in Delhi – featuring North East musicians, even if they are not from Manipur – nobody would know the difference – this should shut them up
• On the charge that you want to change the Constitution – I suggest that you need not deny this. Say that you have to. As you are responding to the love and the trust of the people of India who want you to be the “Leader for Life”. Your friend, Xi did it. So should you.

I hope my humble suggestions will be some use to you. I along with hundreds of millions look forward to you becoming our Leader for Life. Onward to Viksit Bharat 2047!

Yours unflinchingly, unequivocally, unabashedly for ever and ever,

Citizen Cyrus

I was now hopeful. A Leader for Life did ensure safe and booming markets for life. A Fan, inspired by his Beloved Leader, had saved a Friend!

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Cyrus calling Dhruv Rathee

What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi

The post Seeking a Leader for Life – A satire appeared first on SabrangIndia.

He had indeed brought my milk and papers. He was also waving a sheaf of ominous looking yellow sheets that could mean only one thing – my neighbor, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, had drafted something. The short note was curt, “Please give your comments on this draft to Puncturewala. Matter urgent. Of vital national importance.”

I sat down with a sigh. I noticed that Samir had not left. He was expected to take the draft back. With my comments. I am not at my best in the mornings. Even Cyrus knows it. But does he care? Wait a minute. I do hope you remember Cyrus – my educated, eloquent and erudite neighbor of advancing years, active in our Housing Society affairs as well as a keen follower of national events. He had once pleaded with the Beloved Leader for the use of Pegasus to spy on our General Secretary, Mr. H.E. Chacko or Commie Chacko as he was privately called. In keeping with the spirit of the ongoing national elections, he had persuaded a reluctant Commie Chacko to call a Special General Body Meeting of our society. The General Body passed 3 resolutions – endorsing – the 3 pictures of the Beloved Leader to be put up in the Common Areas of the housing Society, the Vision of the Beloved Leader for Viksit Bharat 2047, and the Uniform Society Code on lines of the Uniform Civil Code. He had even given Rahul Gandhi a piece of his mind on his “outrageous” manifesto.

I glanced at Cyrus’ draft. It was addressed to a Dhruv Rathee. “Samir, who is this Dhruv? Some new chap in our Housing Society, usurping Cyrus’ parking space? Or some neighborhood politician?”

Samir appeared hesitant. On prodding, he said, “Sir, he is a Youtuber who has millions of followers. He likes to call himself a teacher and shares his knowledge on Indian and world history, current affairs, sightseeing and tech. He is a young, savvy dude and speaks with simplicity and facts. His recent videos have created a nationwide stir. He called Electoral Bonds, the biggest scam in the history of India. He has called our Beloved Leader a scared and desperate Dictator and his fans a club of brainwashed WhatsApp mafia.”

“Whoa! Seems like Cyrus has found his match! Please read on.”

And so the draft was read out:

Dear Dhruv Rathee

Who are you? Are you a NRI or a Foreigner? Anyway, why are you interfering in India’s internal affairs?

You have maligned my Beloved Leader. You have maligned WhatsApp. This is not done. Not done at all!

I am shaking with anger. You have insulted my intelligence. You are saying I have been brainwashed! I have studied at IIT and IIM. I have made a lot of wealth and am enjoying my senior years with equally privileged and learned people at The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society Blocks A and B. We have seen our wealth grow three times in the last decade. Are you mocking this?

Even with my abundant material comforts, am I sitting idle? No Sir, no. I take a keen interest in the affairs of our Housing Society. I am a keen observer of national current affairs too.

I would first like to give you a point wise response on Brainwashing and WhatsApp mafia that you refer to in your latest video.

You make the allegation that people like me have become fan boys of the Beloved Leader and our admiration is just blind faith. No. A big No. We are critical too. Here are some examples where I have found the Beloved Leader wanting:

• Pegasus was used to do surveillance on enemies of state. Why wasn’t it opened up for ‘Pay for Use” by private citizens who are patriots? That was a lost business opportunity.
• Demonetisation was done only on the big notes. Had it been done on smaller notes as well, we would have found the small cash hoarders as well. Results may well have been different. Digital economy would have leapfrogged.
• The temple inauguration was restricted to Indian guests only. Foreign heads of states should have been invited to showcase the glory of our ancient civilization. India’s standing in the comity of nations would have reached staggering heights.

Your video shows people gleefully accepting higher petrol prices as a mark of trust in their Beloved Leader. What is wrong in this? If Indira Gandhi and other leaders could donate their jewelry towards the funds needed for a War with China, surely we can all do our bit with higher priced fuel to fund corona vaccines, Ayushman Bharat and free grains for the poor. This is philanthropy at scale, perhaps beyond your comprehension.

You have called Indian WhatsApp users an organized mafia or a den for broadcasting lies and misinformation. Bro, what have you been smoking? Had it not been for this “university”, Nehru, Gandhi, Godse and Savarkar would have long been forgotten. It has also been possible to reincarnate leaders long erased from memory, like Golwalkar, Shyama Prasad Mukherjee and that other guy. Why do you grudge new generations of Indians digging into their past and rediscovering themselves? Why do you grudge this spirit of enquiry into different versions of history? Or this odyssey of exploring our glorious scientific achievements from our medieval past, like plastic surgery, space travel, artificial insemination and internet?

In another video, you have alleged that India is fast turning into a Dictatorship. Bro, you are smoking something very potent! This is the second national election under this government. It has conducted countless state and local body elections. These are elections. Elections! Votes have been cast. Votes have been counted. People’s choices have been elected. Does that sound like a dictatorship? You have made references to arrest of Chief Ministers. If you have any evidence of their innocence, then please share that with the investigating authorities. Until then, we must let them do their jobs. You have said media has sold out. They are doing their job. Millions are watching their programs. Are they stupid?

Perhaps you are confusing a strong leadership with dictatorship. Our Beloved Leader is a Strong Leader. He is thoughtful and decisive – example Demonetization, Lockdown, banning China apps.  He is agile – example Manipur conflict. He is disciplined – example various internet shutdowns, action against urban naxals. He is generous too – example steep reduction in corporate taxes, feeding 81 crore poor Indians with free grains. With time, he will become even more decisive, agile, disciplined and compassionate than Xi and Putin. He will do our nation proud.

In another message, you have covered what you think are the good points of the Congress manifesto, namely, filling up 30 lakh government job vacancies, MSP guarantee and full debt relief for farmers, apprenticeship guarantee for jobless youth with pay, one woman of each poor family to get a guaranteed Rs one lakh annually as recognition of their free labor at home. In the spirit of democracy, I did send my 20 critical observations on this manifesto to Rahul Gandhi. Have you read them? As an example, I have expressed my utter dismay at his graceless abandonment of fast-track Bulldozer justice, the strict “no bail” criminal laws, demolition of mosques & churches, CAA laws and the Agniveer scheme. I have expressed disappointment at the gross neglect of Big Business, the backbone of our country. Read them with an open mind and convey them to Bro Rahul.

In the same message, you have been rather contemptuous of the ruling party and that they have nothing to offer. So, you are showing contempt for the Beloved Leader? This is not done. Only the other day, the residents of The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society Blocks A and B had a Special General Body Meeting. After careful thought and much debate, we decided to endorse the Beloved Leader’s Vision for Viksit Bharat 2047. Doesn’t this fill you with joy? Bullet trains, dazzling airports, sparkling malls and a maze of multi-lane highways! All run hopefully by efficient and patriotic people like Adani, Ambani, etc. The Society further endorsed the promise of the Uniform Civil Code and that in line with its principles, the Society will adopt a  Uniform Society Code, where all members will agree to a homogenous set of rules on all areas of life – food, clothing, language, intimacy, relationships, etc. This is a fine example of Unity in Homogeneity. Our Society will be the first in the country to adopt and practice UCC at the micro level. This is called Walking the Talk.

Do we sound like a set of brainwashed people?

Finally, I hope you have understood the concerns on redistribution of wealth as expressed by the Beloved Leader. As aptly conveyed by tycoon Ronnie Malhotra, redistribution and sharing is best done only for “feel good substances” at student hostel parties.

I trust you have got enough food for thought. A letter of apology to the Beloved leader would be in order.

Cordially

Citizen Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

I looked thoughtfully at Samir. “This is frankly way beyond me. What do you think, Samir?”

“Sir, I think you were correct – Dhruv Rathee may have found his match!”

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What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi

The post Cyrus calling Dhruv Rathee appeared first on SabrangIndia.

Most members, as I did, assumed that the agenda would be the perilous condition of the Society’s buildings and the need for urgent repairs or the water crisis facing the island city as a whole.

The meeting started with the boiler plate greetings from our affable General Secretary, Mr. Happymon Esthapan Chacko. He then dropped the bombshell, “The Society received an unusual request from Mr. Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala to convene a SGM. This was backed by the required number of members as per prevailing byelaws. This group believes that the impending Lok Sabha elections and their results will have a lasting impact on the future of the Society and that its members must take a calculated and decisive stand on it. I now invite Mr. Cyrus to state their case”.

The readers may recall the very enigmatic Mr. Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. An educated, erudite and eloquent man of advancing years, Mr. Cyrus was very active in all forms of political activity. From advocating how parking slots should be awarded to how new members must be screened or which festivals should be celebrated, he had a view on all of our Society’s affairs. He even kept a close watch on who was having secret trysts with whom.  He rose to rapid fame when he wrote to the Beloved Leader, requesting him for the use of Pegasus, to spy on the Society Secretary. This was meant to aid him in the Society’s elections, which he lost. Nevertheless his quick grasp of the potential of this unique technology drew admiration from many members. He had recently written a dramatic and widely publicised letter to an Opposition Member of Parliament, offering feedback on their election manifesto.

“We all know how our country has advanced in the last decade. It is now the world’s 5^th largest economy and poised to be the 3^rd largest soon. Demonetization was an effective knock on the black economy. The Beloved Leader battled Covid-19 and saved many millions from dying. New army recruits are benefiting from the Agniveer Scheme. Our Hindu friends have a new Ram Temple to seek eternal blessings from. Kashmir, Ladakh and Manipur are safe, secure and flourishing. His interventions in the Ukraine and Israel conflicts are now folklore. The Stock markets are flying and all of us are leading cushy lives as a result. The 81 crore poor people are being supported with free ration. The whole world is looking up to us. Our Beloved Leader has promised to make this great nation a Developed Country by 2047. We should stand by him and demonstrate to the country, what a Model Cooperative Housing Society is. We must give our unequivocal support to the Beloved Leader by passing a resolution of support for all the new promises being made by our Beloved Leader”, thundered Cyrus.

A cry of cheer rose and nearly drowned a lone voice that spoke up. But Mr Chacko had heard it. It was from Mr Fasel Atke Khan. A strapping young man – he had film star looks, was often a voice of reason, and was revered by the ladies.

“There is a water crisis in the city. Water rationing is going on. Do we have a plan to battle it? Our civil structure is showing great strain. There were even a couple of accidents that very nearly injured some residents. Will it withstand another monsoon? Can we deal with these issues? I suggest that the General Body not waste a single moment on discussion of Lok Sabha elections but focus on these issues and take urgent and necessary decisions.”

A louder cry of condemnation filled the room. Within moments, Cyrus was back on the dais and continued, “Thank you. The General Body clearly understands its priorities. I now present to you this remarkable document.” With a flourish, he produced an important looking, grandly textured, orange shaded document. “This is called Guarantee 2024. The Beloved Leader has given his vision of making us an advanced country and has made a few guarantees. I request the General Body’s support in favor of the forthcoming resolutions”.

He continued, “There are nearly 50 pictures of the Beloved Leader in this document. I vote that we choose one from my selection of 3, as the one that will decorate all vantage points in our Society for the next few months. These will be put up in our gardens, our common areas, our parking lots and in our homes. We will also have these on our digital devices. The first option is that of our Beloved Leader in military fatigues walking away from a fighter jet that he has just flown. The second is of our Beloved Leader meditating in the Himalayas, no doubt praying for our country’s wellbeing. The third is of our Beloved Leader heading the Temple inauguration. Let us have a vote on them please.”

A voice of protest arose. It was indeed a tough choice. The crowd wanted all three. And so it was resolved that “The Society will embrace all the 3 suggested pictures, with The Commander gracing our Common Areas, The Sanyasi gracing our Gardens and The Pujari blessing our Homes and Digital Devices”.

“Our Beloved Leader has made a guarantee of making India a developed country by 2047. It will be completely Atmanirbhar. It will have multiple Bullet trains and luxury Vande Bharats crisscrossing the length and breadth of the country. There is emphasis on dignity of life, quality of life, quantity of opportunity, and quality of opportunity. Now I know the neigh sayers among you will ask – what about the 2 crore jobs a year that were promised. What about the doubling of farmer incomes? What about Rs 15 lakhs in each bank account? What about the 100 Smart Cities? To them, I say haven’t the Stock Markets tripled in the last decade? And don’t they continue to rise? Aren’t the markets the ultimate arbiter of what the country needs? Haven’t they benefited us all and made our next two generations comfortable? Isn’t it self-destructive to rock the boat? I vote that we embrace this vision whole heartedly and incorporate its principles in our Redevelopment plans for the Society and become the first Cooperative Housing Society in India to redevelop itself based on the principles outlined by our Beloved Leader for Viksit Bharat”

As a roar of approval began to break out, the Lone Voice spoke, “Mr. Cyrus, a vision must be backed by a realistic plan, with clear measurable goals and a concrete plan to execute. If 10 year goals have not been achieved, are we not getting carried away with 25 year goals with no specifics?”

An angry chorus could be heard, “Stop trolling our Beloved Leader! We don’t need to know everything. Let’s enjoy the ride and not worry about how and when we reach our destination.”

And so it was resolved that “the Society unequivocally endorses the Viksit Bharat 2047 vision and that it will conduct the affairs of the Society, including its Redevelopment, embracing the principles embodied within it”

“Moving on,” Cyrus resumed, “Our Beloved Leader has promised to implement the Uniform Civil Code bringing a spirit of Oneness to our great nation. We would like to take these principles and implement a Uniform Society Code, wherein all our members will register their relationships, their affairs, their food habits, their bedroom protocols, their wardrobe contents, their Google search history, their law & order record with the Society. A Special Task Force will then screen the data and advise a Uniform Society Code that will ensure uniformity in our dress code, our wine and dine code, our bedroom code, etc. etc. We aim to, once again, become the first Cooperative Housing Society in the country to implement the fundamental principles of a Uniform Code in an actionable manner.”

The applause reached a crescendo drowning the Lone Voice. And so it was resolved that “the Society unambiguously endorses the Uniform Civil Code and will implement the Uniform Society Code, embracing the principles embodied within it”

A beaming Cyrus concluded, “Thank you members for your unwavering and passionate support. I will dash off a letter to our Beloved Leader, advising him of our commitment behind the cause of Viksit Bharat 2047. I am hoping, that as a result, his business friends take a personal interest in redeveloping our society. Congratulations to us all. Viksit Bharat, Viksit Society!”

Mr Chacko took the dais for his concluding remarks. “Members, there is an exceptional item that has come up for a decision – Ten members of the Society have confirmed that they have lost their jobs and are unable to make their monthly maintenance payments. They have requested us for a 12 month waiver, on compassionate grounds. Do we agree?”

A pregnant silence followed. No one was willing to bear this extra burden of monthly expenses on account of their laid off neighbors. The meeting ended in chaos.

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What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi

The post A Cooperative Housing Society “embraces” the Vision of Viksit Bharat 2047 appeared first on SabrangIndia.

I woke up with a start. Somebody was at the door. It was 7 in the morning. I wasn’t an early riser. It was my neighbor, Cyrus Byramji Puranafurniturewala.

“Hello, hello, hello, good morning, who are you going to vote for?” queried Cyrus as he came barging in. I am not at my best in the mornings. A strong cuppa also does not help. After many years of trying, I have resigned myself to the realisation that if there is anything that requires my attention, then it is best done later in the day. Much, much later. “Cyrus, I haven’t even brushed my teeth and you know what early morning chats do to me!” The plea fell on deaf ears.

Cyrus had made himself comfortable and was devouring my newspapers. He was eloquent and erudite and had a quirky fascination for current affairs, history, politics and conspiracy theories. He was known to write earnest letters to the Prime Minister. He had even sought the PM’s help to access Pegasus software to spy on the General Secretary of The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B, where we all live.

“You know – these Electoral Bonds – why is there such a hullabaloo? It is a super scheme. You request the government for a favor, pay a fee through this Bond and get your work done. There is no discrimination of any kind. Anybody of any religion, caste, creed, beef eating habits, sexual and criminal orientation, and Google search history can pay up, and get his work done. Has there ever been anything this efficient in the history of governance? I mean, ever?” With groggy eyes, I glanced at the headline in Frontline that said – Electoral Bonds: Why it is a giant scam. I murmured something about preferring Fixed Deposits over Bonds.

“So, have you decided who you will vote for? Not that it will matter. With the EVMs, we have got it all sorted. No hanky panky, if you know what I mean,” he winked.  I had no idea what he was referring to. If there were machines who could vote for you, then that was certainly progress. One had heard of robots and drones. This seemed like another helpful innovation. In any case, I realized I did need help. Making decisions wasn’t easy.

“What do you think about this Bharat Jodo thingy? My aunt went for their meeting at Shivaji Park. She found this Rahul dude cute. She finds his duel with Adani fascinating. I can understand the cuteness. After all he does have 25% Parsi blood in him. But why hassle Mr. Adani? Poor guy is just doing his job – managing ports, airports, mines, infrastructure, and he does it all with diligence and humility. It can’t be easy running that giant empire and selflessly building the nation. And giving monstrous returns on his shares. I had told my aunt to invest in Adani stocks. She didn’t. I guess its sour grapes now.”

I had no idea Rahul Dravid had Parsi blood in him. But what was he doing at Shivaji Park? Looking for new talent? And what was the beef with Mr. Adani? Some sponsorship deal gone south?

The bell rang again. It was Sarla Ben. A socialite in her 50s. A serial borrower of assorted things. And a reliable carrier of the most important news of The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B. She was accompanied by the charming Fasel Atke Khan, dapper as usual. His dalliance with Mrs. Braganza’s paying guest was doing the rounds. Cyrus called him the local Mr. Love Jihad, after le learnt about his JNU background.

“Are you even listening? See this – they even have an INDIA alliance now?” pointing at a headline that said “Rahul Gandhi’s Bharat Jodo Nyay Yatra concludes with show of strength in Mumbai”

“This INDIA alliance is a brotherhood of people who have fought each other all their lives. Now they have become friends. Sarla Ben, can Rahul and his friends be trusted?”

The penny dropped. He was referring to the other Rahul.

Sarla Bhen said she needed some almond milk urgently for guests that were arriving unexpectedly. “I don’t know about that, Cyrus. I do know that my wealth has gone up and I can have more holidays now. By the way voting days are holidays and this time it’s on a long weekend. I will be off to Alibag with friends. But what’s the point of voting? Aayega to Modi hi! Jai Shri Ram!”

Cyrus nodded agreeably and turned to the quiet and thoughtful Fasel. “What do you think Mr. Fasel? Will Rahul have the courage to use the Bulldozer? Or the craft to use the Washing Machine?”

My head had begun to spin. Sarla Bhen hastily whispered in my ear, “The government in UP demolishes the houses of people who they don’t like or those that go against them. Using a bulldozer. It’s fast track justice. The ruling party also loves to clean dirty politicians. And rehabilitates them with pomp and glory.”

I wished I could go back to bed.

“Mr. Cyrus, perhaps you could read their manifesto and write to Rahul Gandhi. Ask him questions. Express your concerns. They say he listens to all. I am sure he will listen to you too”, Fasel replied equitably.

And with that, Cyrus shot off a letter that is reproduced below:

April 2024

The Honorable Member of Parliament

Rahul Gandhi,

New Delhi

Subject: The Indian National Congress Election Manifesto 2024

Dear Rahul,

Allow me to introduce myself. I am a senior citizen from the Privileged Class. I received a blue chip higher education, substantially subsidized by the State in the 80s and 90s. I am part of a gated community called The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B. We are a jolly lot. We spend a lot of time in the Sensex Bubble, enjoying the stock market boom, exchanging sunset, sunrise and wildlife pictures with old friends, experimenting with Super food recipes, doing the occasional Keto detox, frequently going for binge jamborees with likeminded friends, often donating sizeable sums of monies to my “Independence seeking” alma mater and reconnecting with my “sanskari Bawa” self. As I have been the beneficiary of the highly enjoyable increase in wealth in the last few years, I am expectedly content. I am a keen observer of current events and have political views. Incidentally, I voted your party out in 2014.

My aunt, Ms. Khushnawaz Puranafurniturewala, is fascinated by you. Perhaps it is because of your part Parsi blood. And recently a neighbour suggested that I read your new manifesto. I did. I don’t know what your chances of winning are. But I was alarmed to see a few things that I believe will concern my class of people. I express them below with candour:

1. There is no mention anywhere of any Hindu / Muslim angle in your manifesto. Nor of demolition of any mosque or church. Will this not deprive many millions of devoted Hindus of the succor they have received these last few years, despite their life’s daily challenges?
2. You have chosen to denounce bulldozer justice, should you come to power. Why would you want to give up on this proven “fast track” system of justice, when approximately 50 million cases are pending in Indian courts?
3. You have announced that you will modify existing criminal laws to ensure that “bail is the rule and jail is the exception”. Is this wise? What if there are Maoists, urban naxals lurking amongst us? Allegedly trying to help the underprivileged. You do remember the Bhīma Koregaon 16? They were lawyers, professors, human rights advocacy blokes, all educated guys, even priests! Do we need such elements in our society?
4. You have promised freedom from fear, right to assemble peacefully, restoration of freedom of expression. Why? How will law and order hold, if there is no fear? Why should there be agitations at all, like the farmer’s protests, CAA protests, etc.? Too much of freedom may encourage idle thoughts, make people less productive. Do remember Mr. NRN Murthy’s advice of working 70 hours a week to build the nation.
5. It has been a relief to us that many laws have been passed without the necessity of parliament functioning “normally”. It has brought in speed and saved us the embarrassment of watching adults spar with each other in the garb of debate? Yet you have promised to have the Houses of Parliament function normally for at least a 100 days a year. This is strange and will take us back to a dark era!
6. You have offered to strengthen the autonomy of various agencies. Why? Is it not better that everyone works in concert with the government to ensure harmony and cohesiveness? Can you visualize an opera without a conductor? See how busy the ED, CBI, IT etc. are. Have you seen such frantic and focused activity before?
7. You are guaranteeing first jobs for the educated youth with an apprenticeship of Rs. 1 lakh a year. And loads of reskilling opportunities to the youth, the minorities and the underprivileged. Why give anything on a platter? Will there be any incentive left to work hard?
8. Why offer to fill the 30 lakh job vacancies in the government and public sector? Do we need more government or less? Imagine the additional bureaucracy these 30 lakh folks will create? Can these jobs not be contracted out? It is easier to “hire and fire” and one can save on social security benefits.
9. You want to offer social security to gig workers. Why, bro? By definition, they are independent contractors. The whole idea is to shift the burden of social security away from the companies to make these workers self-sufficient and independent. You are going against a well-established capitalist norm.
10. You wish to offer Rs 1 lakh per year to one woman from every poor family. Why? You expect them to use this surplus money to educate their families? My class of people will lose their maids, their drivers, their nannies and security guards, if there is so much surplus money available to them. What about the ones in the villages? Why will they now work in the fields to grow our food? This too promises to spur laziness.
11. You wish to legally guarantee MSP to the farmers based on Swaminathan formula? And give them debt relief? And make farming GST free? Are they on par with big businessmen or industrialists? And, more money in their hands may mean less incentive to migrate to cities and to work for people like us. Have you thought about this? Where will we get our labor from? This may also reduce profits of the Big Food Processors, depressing their stock prices and hurting our wealth. Have you thought about this?
12. You wish to increase daily wage rates to Rs. 400? And provide Urban Employment guarantee too? With social security and right to health? Bro, are we spoiling urban workers for good? Have you considered the impact on corporate bottom lines? On the consequent fall in stock prices? This will hit our hard earned wealth.
13. What’s this fixation on a caste census and on increasing reservations? Bro, we have to move past caste. If we keep raking it up, it won’t go away. We have to banish it from memory. Reservations too. Just consider this – tomorrow a whole aircraft may be full of quota people – how will we take our holidays? Have a heart.
14. You wish to increase protections for the STs under the Forest Rights Act. You believe this is fair play as they have first rights on their land? But, why would you want to make it difficult, expensive and time consuming for corporates to acquire land? It will hurt their investments and profits, in turn hurting stock prices and diminishing our wealth.
15. You wish to recognize civil unions within the LGBTQi community. What they do in their bedrooms is their business. But why make a public spectacle? I do not even want to know who is queer and who isn’t.
16. What’s in it for Big Industry? No tax cuts. No loan waivers. No special incentives for special companies working in special areas like ports, airports, telecom, etc.? Why this discrimination?
17. What is this obsession to create a level playing field within industry? That’s an ancient concept. Passé. Why should everybody be treated equally? Those who create more wealth for shareholders must get more rewards and incentives too from the government. Monopolies create scale. Look at Jio, Indigo Airlines & Adani. Can we live without them?
18. Universal and free healthcare in public health centers with a cashless insurance of Rs. 25 lakhs sounds utopian but will adversely affect a globally competitive Pharma and healthcare sector. Are you giving a death blow to this industry, whose stocks are highly fancied post Covid 19?
19. There seems to be, in your manifesto, a drive to somehow connect poverty & inequality to capitalism. Bro, both are important. Capitalism encourages merit. Inequality & poverty are a necessity of an ordered society. They drive aspiration. Do we want to reach a situation where we need to import maids, drivers, and security guards from Africa?
20. Your manifesto highlights that 80 crore people currently receive free grains. Why does this bother you? Would you want them to die instead? The current government is taking care of them. Should this not be celebrated?

Finally, do you have the wherewithal and sagacity to make “timely interventions” should you come to power? Like the ones made by the ruling government in saving Manipur, in solving the border issues in Ladakh with China, in saving the economy through  demonetization, in bringing relief through the remedy, Coronil, during the epidemic, in bringing transparency through the PM Care Fund and Electoral Bond schemes and in deploying a magic Washing Machine to rid India of corruption.

Bro, I hope you will see the merit in the above arguments and course correct. My friends and I do not wish to see a fall in our wealth, should you unexpectedly win this electoral battle. If the markets are happy, we are happy.

On a more personal note, how do you keep so fit and healthy? Any special Keto diet? Any secret Super foods? Any unusual asanas?

Cordially,

Cyrus Byramji Puranafurniturewala

A Concerned Citizen

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The post What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi appeared first on SabrangIndia.

The first clue came from the way a bunch of women occupied a space called Shaheen Bagh towards the end of 2019. The very next clue that the Year 2020 was going to be special came not from the bug that derailed our lives, but in the way certain people dealt with it. They displayed a sense of balance in the way they processed data & scientific evidence, the transparency with which they connected with people, the calmness with which they engaged with them, the poise and resolve with which they rallied people around and got things done. Jacinda Ardern, Angela Merkel, Tsai Ing-Wen and our very own Shailaja Teacher showed compassionate and effective leadership in the face of extreme pressures and challenges. Indeed, this period has been a revelation to one entire gender of the human race how priceless and generally unrewarding is the silent work done by an entire other. The countless homemakers (still uncharitably referred to as housewives), Asha workers, teachers, nurses, hygiene and sanitation workers, Anganwadi workers, farmers and farm workers, members of various cooperatives and self-help groups – mostly women – who toil way for little or no wages and keep the wheels of the nation running. Let’s celebrate a few who remained distant from the spotlights. 

The Shaheen Bagh Nani, Bilkis Bano, made it to the list of The Time’s 100 most influential people of the world. She along with thousands of other women, clad in their traditional dresses and veils, concerned about the dubious citizenship laws that threatened to discriminate and render their kin as lesser citizens, showed the nation how responsible, constitutionally minded citizens must act in the face of oppression. Close behind them were Devangana Kalita and Natasha Karwal, the Pinjra Tod activists, Safoora Zargar, Gulfisha Fatima who represented a spirit of defiance and dissent against the “silent, giving, docile” stereotypes associated with women. Three of them have spent most of the pandemic behind bars allegedly for their role in the Delhi violence, which took more than 50 lives, while the leaders, who were caught on camera shouting slogans to incite violence, remain free, untouched by the long hands of the law! 

In India, the land is Maati, or the Mother. Can women farmers be far behind in the protests against the 3 new farm laws? These laws threaten to enslave millions of farmers and farm workers in the hands of large corporations. Kavitha Kuruganthi is a key member of the Mahila Kisan Adhikar Manch (MAKAAM), an organisation that works in the interests of women farm workers, unites various organisations towards the legal recognition and rights of women farm workers. It is a travesty that despite doing 75% of farm work, women folk own just 12% of the farm land, remain unrecognised legally as “farmers”  and  get lower daily wages for similar work in comparison to men. Kuruganthi is the sole woman in the 40 member All India Kisan Sangharsh Coordination Committee (AIKSCC), that is negotiating with the Indian government on the repeal of the 3 laws.

Jyoti Shinoli is a reporter at PARI, the People’s Archive of Rural India. She won two of her three journalism awards this year for PARI, an online resource for news and content related to Rural India. Her stories have included diverse themes – from social stigma faced by Bhil women suffering infertility issues to Pardhi Adivasis who are compelled to beg away just to stay alive as the lockdown has denied them even this opportunity. She has also covered students staying in slums who are struggling to balance online classes with the need to support their families with additional income to cope with the aftermath of the epidemic and the harsh lockdown. 

The coverage of the heinous rape in Hathras exposed how low the Indian mainstream media has fallen. In the midst of the media circus, Tanushree Pandey stood tall. Taking on a brutal, repressive law and order machinery gone rogue, she exposed all attempts by the state to throttle the truth through her vigilant, courageous reporting. She was one small ray of hope in a year when India ranked 142 out of 180 in the Global Press Freedom Index. Another journalist of calibre and integrity was Arfa Khanum Sherwani, winner of several awards and a keen defender of human rights. She was at the forefront – unflinching, unafraid of asking tough questions. Her coverage of both the anti-CAA and the farmer’s protests as well as the Bihar elections provided valuable on-the-ground perspectives.

The Hathras crime also brought into focus the daily oppression and discrimination faced by Dalits and Dalit women in particular. Even after decades of independence, the apathy, the hostility, the violence faced by Dalits remain a black mark on the moral character of our nation. Saying it like it is, were several Dalit women of substance – notable among them Kiruba Munusamy, a Supreme Court Lawyer, Meena Kandasamy, a poet and novelist, Cynthia Stephen, a researcher on gender and poverty, Divya Malhari, a teacher and writer. Their writings and webinars ranged from doing “Caste 101” to explaining why almost every crime and violence in India has caste at its roots and how this systemic oppression has been normalised in a way that it appears “invisible” to the urban sensibility. A key point made by them was the need for Dalit leaders to claim their space in not just Dalit issues but broader universal issues as well.

One would have imagined that a pandemic year would provide the State with an opportunity to be thoughtful in the way it deals with Environment issues and have  a calibrated approach to sustainable development. The draft EIA 2020 paper rang the first alarm bell. Then came the three road, rail and electrification projects in Mollem in the cradle of the Western Ghats of Goa to create a national coal hub. These projects will cause irreversible ecological damage to Goa’s largest protected forest reserve and a part of a larger Tiger landscape . They threaten the survival of several endemic Schedule 1 species,  Goa’s natural ability to counter climate change and the state’s water security. Again, women were at the forefront. The Amche Mollem campaign was spearheaded by a majority women’s team. One of the team members was Dr Nandini Velho, a distinguished wildlife scientist. Taking charge of all matters scientific, she also played a vital role in a 30 member scientific team, to review the state sponsored EIAs of these projects to provide an independent perspective.  She was detained by police recently, on her way to the Goa Liberation Day celebrations, for carrying roses, a sanitizer and a camera! Sherry Fernandes , a 21 year old journalist leading the youth campaign for Mollem, was invited to speak on Faye D’souza’s  show. Valerie Afonso, is part  of  the Chicalim Youth Famers Club. She  actively campaigned and mobilized Goa’s youth on ground, through creative ways like song and dance and led delegations to local MLAs and government officials (forest dept) to get to them to listen to their concerns about Mollem. The teams led by these women and supported by thousands from Goa’s civil society created an impactful campaign that reverberated throughout the nation and beyond. They have created an awareness among youth in particular, on the long term damage that reckless, unplanned, corporate driven projects can cause on the ecology of sensitive natural habitats.

Ravish Kumar, Editor, TV anchor and Magsaysay award winner, recently commented that “Cartoonists did what 24 hour news channels and 20 pages of newspapers couldn’t achieve”. They gave the brutal edginess that one normally expects from investigative journalism in showing truth to power. Rachita Taneja  of @sanitarypanels , through her  pencil line illustrations covered a range of everyday themes that would make one squirm, constantly scratching the surface to unravel default settings of  our prejudiced minds. Her satire has provided a backbone of support to the various protests that have taken place in the country this year. Another satirist, Agrima Kaur Khan, reinforced the point that “no subject is off limits for a comic, not even that of a popular king or a supreme leader”

Majority of the trans community in India is engaged in sex work, as they  struggle to find other means. While the migrant workers, during lockdown, returned to their homes without jobs after considerable struggle, the trans people neither had jobs nor any homes to return to. Meera Sanghamitra, a trans activist and convenor of the National Alliance of People’s Movement and other activists took up their cause for sustained assistance from the Ministry of Social Justice and Empowerment. Supreme Court recently directed all states to give sex workers dry rations without insisting on identification papers.

Dr Soumya Swaminathan, among India’s leading Infectious Disease experts was in the spotlight as the Chief Scientist at WHO in the year when a pandemic took nearly 2 million lives. Not only did she do her bit in maintaining transparency around the way the disease was evolving and the efforts needed to counter it, she was equally forthright about how patriarchal Indian public institutions were, particularly in the areas of research. Addressing a conference of Women Leaders, she said “It is more difficult for women researchers to get their grants approved, significantly smaller portion of research grants go to women, and women also have difficulties in getting their results published if you are from developing countries in journals because of perceived biases. I have faced those kinds of challenges and biases”

Ranaa Ayub is no stranger to fearless reporting and has received awards for journalistic courage. She won a few this year too. Now a regular in international journalism conferences, holding her own on the New India and Acche Din, she showed her compassionate, human side in raising funds and personally helping out thousands of migrant families through their most difficult times during the lockdown.

The CPI(M) in Kerala won a thumping majority in the recent local body elections. They have gone about creating history by nominating many youth leaders to lead these local bodies. A sterling example that made headlines is that of Arya Rajendran, India’s youngest mayor from Thirivananthapuram. She is the state committee member of the Students Federation of India and is pursuing  a graduation in Mathematics.

One woman, Tara Krishnaswamy, continued her battle to establish equal representation for women in electoral politics. Shakti – Political Power to Women, a nonpartisan collective founded by Krishnaswamy, engaged on the ground and in SM to campaign for more women in national and state legislatures and to bring back the focus on the long pending Women’s Reservation Bill. Their presence was felt in the run-up to the Delhi and Bihar elections.

Jayati Ghosh, a leading, globally acclaimed development economist, provided invaluable insights into how the pandemic is likely to impact the nation’s economy, the migrant crisis and the triple impact of demonetisation, poor GST implementation and the pandemic on the very fabric of the nation. Equally useful was her acumen in interpreting a maze of economic numbers, often cleverly portrayed as truthful data. She continues to offer pragmatic solutions on how the government can expand the fiscal deficit to fund essentials for the poor and create a path for demand-led bounce back of the economy.

Binalakshmi Nepram, a writer from Manipur, continued to champion women’s rights and led initiatives to arrest the gun and drug menace invading the North-East, a geo-strategic area having border with five countries. She has made considerable efforts in reducing the information deficit about the region, expanding awareness about its culture, its identity, the absence of a caste system and the conflicts it faces due to its geography and history.

While the nation continued to remain in the grip of a macho, muscular, petty and anti-people governance mindset, these women were role models of feminist thought, of a principled, organised, non-violent, non-patriarchal way of reclaiming spaces, freedom of expression and dissent and protecting our Constitutional values. There is a sense of renewed energy and hope. 2021 promises to be eventful.

Chandru Chawla has a normal day time job and writes at night to keep his insanity intact

Derek Monteiro is a laidback artist, poet and composer, who dabbles in jazz to annoy and disperse pesky pigeons on his windowsill

(The views expressed here are personal)

The post When Women Led the Defense of the Constitution appeared first on SabrangIndia.

New Farm Laws

Three farm laws have been passed without discussion with farmer groups and in violation of  due process in Parliament. The government view, and that of certain economists and commentators in support of these laws, is that these will liberate farmers from their present misery. This is their hypothesis:

• Farmers will get higher prices

• They can sell anywhere in the country as there will be a uniform single market

• They will not get exploited by middlemen anymore

• Private companies will invest heavily in distribution infrastructure

• The existing systems of Minimum Support Price (MSP)  and APMC (state owned) markets and Public Distribution System (PDS) will continue, even though not mandated by law

• Free markets will ensure that there is fair pricing and fair terms for farmers, at the hands of large corporates

Several hands-on farmer groups and agronomists have pointed out:

• Currently 94% of farmers already sell outside of the APMC markets and at prices much below MSP – why has this privatisation not helped before, even if only at the state level, and why will it do so now?

• Bihar, touted as a model, in 2006, dismantled the APMC and MSP system and threw open agriculture to private investments. Yet, why do its farmers still sell illegally to APMC markets in Punjab and Haryana, where they get paid at MSP levels? Why has there been negligible investments in this state from big companies?

• By keeping “trade in APMC markets as taxed” and “that outside as tax free”, has the government not signed the death warrant of the former? Why would “high cost tax paid” trade happen in APMC markets? Who does this benefit, if not the large companies?

• Why have countries like US and those of Europe, who have operated similar corporatized agriculture markets, failed in keeping farmers sustainable? This is despite open markets, liberal credit facilities and insurance products, commodity exchanges and all the trappings of free markets. Why has farmer bankruptcy been on the rise? Why have farmer suicides increased in these countries? Why does US alone need over $ 400 bill of subsidies to keep the farmers interested and viable in farming? Why has the entire food chain in these countries become the hegemony of a few large global players, who are now imposing another form of slavery through GMO seeds? Why should a failed system be imposed on Indian farmers? Who does it really benefit?

• Why have the number of farmers reduced in US during the period of privatisation to less than a tenth, if corporatization was manna for farmers? Is that the game plan for over 600 mill cultivators that are engaged in cultivation in India and with small holdings? Who does that benefit? What happens if this corporatisation goes south and small farmers are left both landless and jobless, an overriding fear for most?

• Why have the Swaminathan committee recommendations not been implemented? These included legally mandating MSP at all costs plus 50%, strengthening the PDS and  making long term tillers owners of those lands. Why has every political party made electoral promises on them but not implemented them when in power? Who benefits from these broken promises?

• Why have farmers not been given legal rights in these 3 laws,  otherwise available to all citizens of the country, for settling disputes? Why can’t they access civil courts for getting justice? Are corporation – farmer relationships not likely to be disproportionately skewed in bargaining power, in favour of the former? Whom does this benefit?

• Why have “minimum qualification criteria” for new traders, buyers done away with? How will farmers be expected to verify “credentials” of new buyers, a service provided formerly in the APMC system?

• If the government is certain that MSP regime will stay, why can’t it be made legally mandatory, for both private and APMC markets? Who benefits from not having a legally mandated floor price?

• If the government is certain that PDS will continue, why can’t that be made mandatory by law? What recourse do farmers have if both private and public buyers do not offer to buy at MSP? The farmers are left holding a perishable produce and will be forced to sell at distress prices, which is the experience of 94% of farmers for decades. Who benefits from this “deliberate loophole”?

• Given that Food and Agriculture are state subjects, why were the States not consulted on these laws? Why were they rushed through Parliament without debate and without a due process of vote and expert consultation?

• Why have the laws, that claim to be a 1991 reform moment for the farmers, not touched upon vital aspects like incentives for soil health, agro-forestry, natural farming, etc?

Engaging with Farmers

• What’s the motive of the various pro-government forces behind creating this narrative – that the farmers are Khalistani, implying seditious intentions?

• Why have the government leaders alleged that the farmers are being misled? Are the farmers not capable of thinking for themselves? Do they not understand their economics, their subsistence needs and their aspirations for better lives?

• Why have the farmers been welcomed with water cannons, tear gas, barricades and dug-up  trenches? In the midst of a pandemic? And aimed even at senior citizens? When did they lose their right to peaceful protests?

• What’s the suspicion behind seeing some farmers speaking English, having smart phones and cars, and being perfectly articulate in their demands?

• What’s the motive behind linking these protests to the ones in Shaheen Bagh? Isn’t this a way of “othering” farmers just like how the minorities were “othered” in those protests ?

Respecting the Farmers

• They must be treated with respect and dignity and met by people who are authorised to take decisions. The government must completely do away with stalling tactics, double speak and IT cell-created false narratives

• Their demands of legally mandated fair price, fair terms, continuing public procurement, widening the fair price basket of commodities, fair access to dispute resolution must be met with, while repealing the 3 new laws in their present form

• The APMC network must be widened to have a market every 5 square kilometres throughout the country. This requires their numbers to go up from current 7000+ to about 50,000+

• The private sector is welcome but on terms at par with the public sector

• The corporates must stop pretending that this lock jam does not concern them. There are many companies who have a stake in this space – Reliance, Adani, Godrej, Mahindra, Marico, HUL, Britannia, ITC etc – literally the Who’s Who of industry. They must, either individually, or through organisations like CII and FICCI, make their stands clear on these bills as well as on the concerns of the farmers.

Above all, civil society across the nation must come out strongly in support and express their solidarity with the people who bring the food on their table. If farmers could offer langar to even the cops who were firing water cannons on them, surely we can at least make our voices heard on their behalf on the streets and in social media.

Those in power, whose hearts are yet untouched by what the farmers are saying, should consider this passionate refrain of Sahir Ludhianvi, The Voice of Man, written on the cusp of India’s freedom

Till when can the voice of Adam be suppressed? We too shall see
Till when can angry emotions be controlled? We too shall see
We too shall see, for sure, just like this, the constant oppression.

Whether we see it from the door of the dungeon or from the heights of the scaffold
We too shall see you dishonoured in the marketplace of the world
Just take a moment’s breath, we too shall see the consequences of the grandeur of Jamshed.

You too behold this vanity of power
We too shall see this by the kindness of the firm belief’s fervour
We too shall see a bend upon the dusty face that wears the jaunty headgear.

Retribution is a tradition of human history
Till when will you amass the arrows, we too shall see
We too shall see how far you will persist with your tyranny.

O sons of darkness this is the time for departure
We too shall see the morning wear  the flag of red colour
You too will have to see this clamour, and we too shall see

Chandru Chawla has a normal day time job and writes at night to keep his insanity intact

Derek Monteiro is a laidback artist, poet and composer, who dabbles in jazz to annoy and disperse pesky pigeons on his windowsill

The post For & Against: Farmers’ Dignity & Right to Fair Livelihood appeared first on SabrangIndia.