Welcome to a special edition of Cross Bat, the interview program where bouncers are bowled at the truth. We are at the end of 2025. We are looking back at a year of tectonic shifts for the ordinary Indian citizen and looking ahead to the democratic innovations of 2026.

Our host is Balancedeep Sabchangasi. He is a veteran journalist who loves a good cricket metaphor. He often speaks in the nostalgic tones of a Bollywood ballad. He seeks a spectrum of views but sometimes misses the termites for the teak.

His guest today is Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus is a master restorer of antiques from the old money lanes of Colaba. He lives in The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society. He sees the world through the grain of polished rosewood and the smell of turpentine. He defends the status quo with a sharp, earthy Parsi wit. Yet, his defence often reveals the dark, moth-eaten underbelly of our modern civilization.

TRANSCRIPT: CROSS BAT with Balancedeep Sabchangasi

Balancedeep: Hello and welcome to Cross Bat! I’m Balancedeep Sabchangasi. Today, we are analysing the state of the nation in 2025. It feels like the final over of a T20 match. The floodlights are bright. The crowd is roaring. But the pitch is cracking. Is this a new Viksit Bharat melody? Or is it just a loud remix of a dark past?

Joining me is the man who knows how to hide a termite hole with a lick of varnish. Welcome, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus, let’s go straight to the crease.

I. The Scorecard: Economy and “Job Loss” Growth

Balancedeep: Cyrus, Professor Arun Kumar, an experienced economist, says our GDP figures are a “staggering lie.” He told The Wire that India’s actual GDP is probably 48% of the official figure because we use the organized sector as a proxy for the dying unorganized sector. Are we playing a night match with the floodlights turned off?

Cyrus: (Adjusting his waistcoat) My dear Balancedeep, or BS, data is like old plywood. It must be pliable to fit any frame. If the government says we are a $ 4 trillion economy, then we must be! Why worry about unorganised sectors collapsing? In my workshop, if a chair leg is missing, I just lean it against a sturdy wall. It looks perfect in the showroom.

BS: But economist Rathin Roy warns we are in a “middle-income trap.” He noted on The Wire that the resulting inequality could “challenge the unity and integrity of India.” Aunindyo Chakravarty, another noted economist, says the middle class is “running on fumes and credit cards.” Economist Jayati Ghosh even says counting subsistence work as employment is “throwing dust in our eyes” while real wages stay stagnant. Is Viksit Bharat only for the billionaire class?

Cyrus: Progress is for those who can afford the premium finish! If the middle class is running on credit, it shows they have high confidence. We must prioritise the big houses. You cannot build a grand mansion starting with the servant’s quarters. Harish Khare calls it a “deadly embrace” of cronyism, but I call it Strategic Support for our master craftsmen.

II. The Umpiring: Democracy and “Vote Chori”

BS: Let’s talk about the “SIR” electoral revision. Former Psephologist, Yogendra Yadav says it is a “tectonic shift” where the burden has moved from the state to the voter. In Bihar, 80 lakh voters went missing. Is this “dacoity from the front door”?

Cyrus: (Laughs) Dacoity? It is Democratic Auditing! In my housing society, if a tenant doesn’t pay the lift fund, he “disappears” from the guest list. It is very efficient. If the list “conceals more than it reveals,” it keeps the mystery alive. Which Indian doesn’t love a surprise on Election Day?

BS: But Pratap Bhanu Mehta warns that the “Civilizational State” is the “single greatest assault” on religion. He said in The Hindu that it shrinks universal spiritual codes into a rigid ethnic framework. Ravish Kumar noted that the Parliament has become a “notary office for the executive.” Is dissent now a “threat to civilization”?

Cyrus: Civilization must be solid, like a teak wardrobe. If there are splinters of dissent, you sand them down. You want a smooth surface. Pluralism is for museums. In a Viksit Bharat, one prefers the symmetry of a single door cabinet. It is much easier to lock. Ravish always sounds so sombre. He should try some dhansak for breakfast!

III. The Fourth Estate: Media or “Godi” Upholstery?

BS: Speaking of Ravish Kumar, he has made a piercing observation on the state of our discourse. He says, “In this country, the price of gold and silver has reached the skies, but the price of the media has fallen so low that it is now available for free to do your bidding.” Has the media become a Godi lapdog, Cyrus?

Cyrus: (Chuckles, buffing a brass handle) My dear fellow, why look for expensive investigative journalism when you can have a friendly media for the price of a cheap finish? If the gold is at the top, the silver is in the pockets of the owners, and the journalists are just the polishers, everyone is happy! In The Happyman’s Society, we don’t want a watchdog that barks at the Secretary; we want a lapdog that looks good on the sofa. If the media is cheap, it just means the government is getting a bargain on its PR!

IV. The Field: National Security and “Vishwavictim”

BS: Suhasini Haidar of The Hindu says we have moved from “Vishwaguru” to “Vishwavictim,” blaming global conspiracies for everything. She notes that “personal bonhomie” cannot replace “institutional stability” with Trump’s tariffs. Are we isolated?

Cyrus: Isolated? We are Multi aligned! That is Parsi speak for “having tea with everyone while hiding the silver.” If China dictates a “new normal” at the LAC, as Happymon Jacob says, we must simply redefine what “normal” means! If the border moves, our maps must simply become more “flexible.”

V. The Ground Conditions: Environmental “Renovation”

BS: The air is unbreathable. It is a man-made public health emergency. Environmentalist Neelam Ahluwalia says the new 100 meter Aravalli definition is “catastrophic.” Are we razing our “green lungs” for real estate?

Cyrus: Flat land is much easier to develop, man! If the mountain is gone, we simply sell luxury villas with “Desert Views.” It is Landscape Optimisation.

BS: Professor Pankaj Sekhsaria calls the Great Nicobar project a “betrayal” of a pristine landscape. We are clearing 130 sq. km of rainforest in a quake zone. Acharya Prashant says these disasters are a “mirror to our misplaced idea of progress.” In Goa and Mumbai, trees are being “savagely destroyed” for smart cities.

Cyrus: Oxygen is so 20th century! In a Smart City, we have air conditioning, air purifiers and 5G towers. Why rely on a tree that drops leaves on your Mercedes when you can have a concrete pillar? We are replacing “Nature” with “Net Worth.”

VI. The Fair Play: Identity and Infinite Detention

BS: Cyrus, this is painful. A student from Tripura, Angel Chakma, was recently murdered in Dehradun. He died pleading: “I am Indian, not Chinese.” His father is a BSF jawan. Ravish Kumar asks, “What does it feel like to be a minority in 2025 India?”

Cyrus: (Quietly) There are admittedly cracks in the foundation, BS. If you treat fine teak as firewood because you don’t recognize the grain, you destroy something irreplaceable. We guard the borders but build “partitioned neighbourhoods” in our heads. It is a dry rot in our soul.

BS: And what of those held for years without trial? One a scholar who preaches love, peace and brotherhood and another who innovates and bats for the Himalayas, to name only two? Aakar Patel says “prolonged persecution exemplifies the derailment of justice.”

Cyrus: We call it Progressive Preservation. Why have a messy trial when you can season the wood in a cell? It brings Institutional Stability. No trials, no errors!

BS: Finally, why are rapists treated with leniency? Observers say this “moral collapse” signals that women’s dignity is secondary to political expediency.

Cyrus: It is Strategic Forgiveness. If a part of the furniture is infested but influential, you don’t burn it. You apply a fresh coat of Remission Varnish. It keeps the social cohesion intact.

Interviewer’s Summary and Conclusion

BS: Cyrus, give us a peek at 2026. Specifically, how will the millions of unemployed survive and how will the social fabric evolve?

Cyrus: (Beaming) 2026 is the year of the Self-Restoring Citizen! Since we don’t have enough formal jobs, everyone will become an Adventurer. We shall see a glorious rise in YouTube Influencing, where people film themselves hungry and call it Intermittent Fasting Content.

We will have Friendly Podcasting, where five unemployed PhDs sit in a circle and discuss why they don’t have jobs until they get millions of views from other unemployed PhDs. It’s a circular economy! And the Pakoda Type Businesses will reach new heights. We won’t just sell snacks; we will have Artisanal, Deep Fried Identity Circles.

But the real growth sector for 2026 will be the mushrooming of specialized Brotherhood of Men outfits. You know the type, half pantalooned volunteers who gather in playgrounds to discuss culture, while doing calisthenics. We shall see thousands of these cultural trusts formed! It is a brilliant strategy for keeping the wealth within the family, so to speak!

By 2026, we shall bypass the politician middleman and vote for Boardrooms. Citizenship will be a subscription service. The country will be run like a high-end furniture showroom, strictly for those who can afford the entry fee.

BS: (Turning to the camera with a wistful gaze) India 2025 is a masterclass in polishing the surface while the termites feast below. As Cyrus hints, 2047 is not a destination; it is a teak finished horizon that stays safely out of reach. We are moving toward a 2026 where Justice is a gift and Brotherhood is a tax-exempt hobby.

It reminds me of the lyrical conscience of the poets, Sahir and Shailendra, who saw through the shining facades of their own time. Today, the common man is still that vagrant (Awaara) who has “learned everything but failed to learn worldly cunning” (Sab kuch seekha humne na seekhi hoshiyaari). We live in a society where “mortal men have no value, though even the soil has a price” (Mitti ka bhi hai kuchh mol magar, insaanon ki qimat kuchh bhi nahin).

Our leaders ask us to celebrate a Viksit vision, but as Sahir warned, “an emperor has used his wealth to mock the love of the poor” (Ik Shahenshah nay daulat ka sahara lekar, hum garibon ki muhabbat ka udhaya hai mazaak). We are told “that morning will surely come” (Woh subah kabhi to aayegi), yet we find ourselves wandering in an “endless night” where “lamps fail to light the darkness”.

In the game of life, if you can’t hit a six, just bribe the scoreboard operator. We are merely “travellers to whom no one belongs” (Wahan kaun hai tera musafir), watching a world “written upon the surface of water” (Paani pe likhi likhayi). The polish is bright, but as the poets knew, the rot remains. Goodbye and Shubhratri.

Related:

Out with MNREGA: Hitting the Poor for a Six

The Cross Bat Conversation: Air, antiques and force majeure

The Nation needs an Ethanol Republic – A Satire

A Satirical Imperative Request (SIR) to the CEC of India

Cyrus Seeks a Right to Multiple Voter Ids

A Satirical Plea, Dripping with Envy, to President Xi Jinping of China

The post Searchlight on 2025: The polished window and the dry rot appeared first on SabrangIndia.

We bring you the exclusive transcript of the latest episode of “Cross Bat,” the high-octane, metaphor heavy talk show hosted by the ever ebullient Balancedeep Sabchangasi. Known for his penchant for framing national crises through the nostalgic lens of 1970s Bollywood melodies and the technical nuances of a late-cut at Eden Gardens, Balancedeep attempts to find “balance” even when the pitch is clearly crumbling.

His guest is none other than Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, a man who exemplifies the delightful charm of a bygone era. A veteran carpenter and restorer of vintage teak and rosewood, Cyrus operates from the old money enclave of Colaba. However, he is perhaps better known for his missives to the highest echelons of power, penned with the elegant precision of an antique dealer and the sharp wit of a seasoned observer. Cyrus represents the Model Citizen of the Amrit Kaal. He is a man who claims to be most law-abiding citizen, while using a strategic “naïve” voice to dissect the shenanigans of our times.

In this exchange, the duo tackles the controversial new MGNREGA Bill. The proposed legislation seeks to fundamentally transform rural employment by repealing the historic 2005 Act and replacing the legal right to work with a supply-driven, centrally capped model. This new framework shifts a significant 40% of the material funding burden to state governments and introduces mandatory 60 day work pauses during agricultural seasons, potentially curtailing the scheme’s responsiveness to local distress. Perhaps most symbolically, the bill removes the “Mahatma Gandhi” prefix from the program’s title, signalling a substantive ideological shift in India’s social safety net.

Cyrus, in his signature style, defends the government’s overhaul of the rural employment guarantee^, discussing key aspects such as democratic checks and socioeconomic security. ^.

The Transcript: Cross Bat with Balancedeep Sabchangasi

Balancedeep Sabchangasi: Welcome to Cross Bat! Today, we’re looking at the new MGNREGA Bill. Is it a masterstroke, a ‘Helicopter Shot’ over the boundary, or are we witnessing a hit wicket for rural India? To help us navigate this, we have the legendary restorer of both furniture and public discourse, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus, the government says extreme poverty has fallen faster than a wicket on a green top pitch. Yet, they’ve extended free food grains to 800 million people under PMGKAY until 2028. Is this a classic Bollywood double role, or a contradiction that even Kishore Kumar couldn’t harmonize?

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala: Balancedeep, may I call you BS? You approach the subject with the frantic energy of a bowler in the final over. Please, decelerate. In the hallowed halls of governance, this is not a contradiction. This is Strategic Surplus. You see, the world should see that the house is sturdy to maintain the shining veneer. Yet we keep the pantry stocked with 800 million bags of grain just in case the floorboards collapse^. It is a “pre-emptive philanthropy” that ensures the masses are sufficiently fed so they do not have the ungrateful urge to demand their “legal right” to work. We are polishing the image of prosperity while acknowledging, in a hushed whisper, that the wood may be a wee bit termite-ridden.  

BS: But Cyrus, let’s talk about the “repair” job. Social audits show that, post Digital reforms, misappropriation of funds is less than 0.3%. That’s a cleaner record than most mid table teams! Why do a complete structural overhaul and repeal the legal right to work when a bit of digital “varnishing” would have sufficed?

Cyrus: My dear boy, a legal right is a very cumbersome piece of furniture. It is like a heavy Victorian wardrobe that refuses to fit into a modern, streamlined apartment. It is unwieldy. By repealing the right and shifting to a centrally capped model, the government is merely practicing administrative minimalism. We are de-sanctifying the labour of the commoner. Why should the state be legally bound to provide work when it can simply offer normative allocations based on the prevailing mood in the capital? It’s about flexibility! Should the timber refuse to align with the Amrit Kaal décor, the state can simply withhold the varnish of central allocation.

BS: Flexibility? Studies show no widespread farm labour shortages, yet the bill introduces mandatory 60 day pauses during harvest seasons. Isn’t this like telling a batsman he can’t score during the Powerplay? You’re depriving workers of income exactly when they’re most vulnerable.

Cyrus: It is a rhythmic intermission. We must ensure the rural folk do not become addicted to the stability of a government wage. It spoils the entrepreneurial spirit of the impoverished! By forcing a pause, we encourage them to explore the “free market” of private exploitation, err, I mean, private enterprise. It is a lesson in character building. If they cannot find work in the fields, they can always practice coloured spit accuracy while chewing paan or while their time near garbage piles, which, as I have hitherto suggested, are the new benchmarks for a simplified citizenship.

BS: Let’s talk about the funding. The 60:40 split is a heavy bouncer for states like Punjab or Tamil Nadu. If a state is fiscally strained and can’t meet its 40% share, the workers suffer. Did the government model this risk, or is this “trickle-up” economics where the states are left to fend for themselves?

Cyrus: It is Fiscal Darwinism, BS. We are fostering a healthy competition in destitution. If a state cannot afford its share of the material costs, it simply proves that its administration lacks the visionary zeal of the centre. The Union Budget remains stagnant at ₹86,000 crore, while dues exceed ₹21,000 crore. This is a masterclass in aspirational accounting. We promise the glory of Amrit Kaal while ensuring the material reality is as thin as a cheap plywood veneer. It’s about the feeling of employment, not the actual payment.

BS: But what about the consultation, Cyrus? The original bill was debated for a year with unions and civil society. This one was passed in a midnight session amidst a walkout, debated for barely a few hours. Is this thorough scrutiny or a quick single taken while the wicketkeeper wasn’t looking?

Cyrus: Consultation is such a “pre-digital” concept. Why consult the NREGA Sangharsh Morcha or Mazdoor Kisan Shakti Sangathan when their views might cause a cognitive dissonance with the government’s perfect plan? Consulting a worker about a labour bill is like asking the rosewood if it wants to be chiselled. The wood has no macro-perspective. The carpenter knows best! Passing it after midnight is a stroke of nocturnal genius. It ensures that only the most law-abiding and awake citizens are present to witness the unanimous voice vote.

BS: Cyrus, opposition members have suggested looking at Brazil’s Bolsa Família, Ethiopia’s Productive Safety Net, or similar schemes in Mexico and South Africa to mitigate concerns. Could we not have learned from these global best practices to build a more robust, less controversial bill?

Cyrus: Brazil? Ethiopia? My dear BS, those are foreign timbers. We are building an Atmanirbhar cabinet here. Why look at a South African model that might favour equity or transparency when we can have a uniquely Indian model of opaque benevolence? To learn from others is to admit that our unparalleled wisdom has a limit. We don’t need best practices from abroad. We have kick-ass creativity at home! Besides, international schemes often involve accountability, which is a very difficult stain to remove once it sets into the wood.

BS: Speaking of accountability, there were no time-bound, measurable goals added. No specific targets for poverty reduction or narrowing the inequality gap. Isn’t a bill without a deadline just a dead rubber match?

Cyrus: A time-bound goal is a trap for the unwary! If you set a goal, people expect you to reach it. That is very un-Sanskari! By keeping the goals vague and the rhetoric high, we maintain a permanent state of “becoming.” We are always about to reduce inequality. We are always on the verge of ending poverty. It keeps the privileged class, of which I am a senior member, in a state of comfortable anticipation while the “trickle-up” continues to the penthouse. Why have a poverty reduction target when you can have a glory expansion target? It also makes the Supreme Leader’s role easier.

BS: Finally, the name. Mahatma Gandhi’s name has been dropped. No discussion. Just a “symbolic” exit. Is this a substantive reform or an ideological renovation?

Cyrus: The Mahatma, with his spinning wheel and his truth, was a bit too austere for the high-gloss finish of the modern era. We needed something that reflects the supply-driven reality of our times. In fact, I have drafted a proposal for a new, more fitting acronym for the scheme: S.C.R.A.P.

BS: SCRAP?

Cyrus: Indeed! The “Strategic Centrally Restricted Allocation Program.” It is honest. It is efficient. And it tells the rural poor exactly what the government thinks of their legal rights, that they are bits of old wood to be scrapped and replaced with the shiny, hollow plastic of modern governance.

BS: Cyrus, as always, you’ve left us with much to polish in our minds. Whether this bill is a century or a duck remains to be seen, but the craftsmanship is certainly unique.

Cyrus: Just remember, BS, that in the Amrit Kaal, if you can’t fix the rot, you simply apply a thicker coat of varnish and call it an “antique”!

Balancedeep Sabchangasi: As we wrap up this intense session of Cross Bat, I find myself feeling like a batsman who’s survived a fiery spell from a vintage pacer like Malcolm Marshall. I feel bruised, bewildered, but certainly enlightened. What have we learned today from the inimitable Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala? Is this the Amrit Kaal renovation of our rural safety net? Is it a complete structural overhaul that replaces legal rights with central discretion?  Is just the surface being polished to a high gloss finish? Is the underlying grain of security for the most vulnerable being shimmied down to nothing^? Is the 60:40 funding split a Fiscal Darwinism? How does one view the nocturnal efficiency of a midnight voice vote? Is the craftsmanship of this bill a sophisticated exercise in rhetorical engineering?

As the haunting notes of “Zindagi Kaisi Hai Paheli” echo in the background, I ask you, our audience: Is this new S.C.R.A.P. model a visionary leap toward efficiency, or are we simply applying a thick coat of varnish over a deepening crisis? Is accountability such difficult stain to remove? We want to hear your views. Please send us your feedback via our digital channels.

Don’t forget to support Cross Bat. Like a classic Kishore-da melody, we strive to hit the right notes, even when the lyrics are difficult. Stay balanced, stay questioning, and we’ll see you at the next delivery.

 (A regular contributor to SabrangIndia, the writer is a conscientious citizen and a man of science and letters)

Related:

The Cross Bat Conversation: Air, antiques and force majeure

The Nation needs an Ethanol Republic – A Satire

A Satirical Imperative Request (SIR) to the CEC of India

Cyrus Seeks a Right to Multiple Voter Ids

A Satirical Plea, Dripping with Envy, to President Xi Jinping of China

The post Out with MNREGA: Hitting the Poor for a Six appeared first on SabrangIndia.

In this explosive new episode of Cross Bat, the ever-balanced Balancedeep Sabchangasi (BS), famed for mixing politics with Bollywood nostalgia and cricket metaphors, interviews the incomparable Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. This Colaba based antique restorer is The Quintessential Model Citizen. He brings his sharp Parsi wit to India’s Air Quality crisis. While BS juggles policy and pop songs, Cyrus dismisses the smog as force majeure. He argues that citizens should stop complaining until the AQI hits a respectable 1000, proposing instead that we adopt innovative self-help ideas for personal breathing^.

Balancedeep Sabchangasi (BS): Adjusting his pocket square and peering into the camera with that signature blend of gravity and “good-bloke” charm

“Good evening, tonight on Cross Bat, we are tackling the literal elephant in the room, or rather, the smog in the stadium. As the legendary Sunil Gavaskar would say, you have to play the ball late when the conditions are overcast, but today, the ‘overcast’ is a toxic cocktail of PM2.5. Is this a policy failure, or are we just caught on a sticky wicket? Joining me is a man who sees through the haze with the precision of a Parsi antique dealer. He is none other than Mr Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus, you’re a resident of Colaba and The Model Citizen. Tell me, as someone who restores vintage teak, how do you see this national breathlessness? Is the government out for a duck?”

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala: Seated with an air of old-world dignity, hands folded over a silver topped cane

“My dear Balancedeep, or May I call you BS? Your penchant for mixing cricket metaphors with atmospheric tragedy is truly a piece of ‘kick-ass creativity’. However, you are barking up the wrong vintage rosewood tree. This so-called pollution is clearly force majeure, an Act of God, or a divine intervention to ensure we don’t see the potholes in our Amrit Kaal too clearly. Why do you seek a culprit where there is only atmospheric seasoning?”

BS: Nodding vigorously, leaning forward

“A fair point, Cyrus, a very fair point. On the one hand, the environmental activists are screaming for a policy overhaul, demanding immediate action to protect public health, but on the other hand, the economy must keep its strike rate up, right? We can’t just retire hurt. As the evergreen Kishore Kumar sang, ‘Zindagi ek safar hai suhana,’ but right now, the Safar is through a thick, choking smog. Surely, when the sun disappears at noon, the administration needs to step up to the crease and deliver some air quality reforms?”

Cyrus: Letting out a delightful, old-world chuckle

“Bah! We Indians have become far too pampered, seeking ‘dignity’ and ‘equal opportunity’ at the cost of traditional endurance. I will request the higher echelons of our nation that the government should only act when the AQI hits a solid, respectable 1000 in every square inch of the nation. Until then, any intervention would lower the dignity of self-respecting, law-abiding citizens. We must allow the fumes to trickle up to the penthouses, let the elite breathe what the masses have perfected! It is the only equitable form of wealth redistribution.”

BS: Smirking, sensing a viral moment

“Trickle-up pollution! That’s a sharp delivery. It certainly shifts the blame. But Cyrus, the hospitals are full. Children are coughing. Even the singers, and you know I love my nostalgia, can’t hit the high notes due to the particulate matter. The opposition alleges a complete breakdown of governance, a failure to protect the basic right to breathe. Isn’t this an indictment of democratic checks and balances? Or is this just the unavoidable price of Ache Din?”

Cyrus: His tone sharpening with strategic “naïve” edge

“Moral imperatives are for those who haven’t studied the ‘simplicity’ of our current era. If a citizen can’t survive a little soot, how will they survive the relentless shifts in our national narrative? Do you know that the only time governmental agencies are strengthened and mobilised with great speed is when dissent surfaces, not when citizens choke. We must look closer at our system. The very mechanisms praised for acting swiftly, like the ED, CBI, and IT department, are strangely silent on arresting the smog itself. This implies that the air quality is not deemed a threat to ‘national interest’ or ‘legitimate dissent.’ Frankly, I’m more concerned about the erosion of my antique lacquer than the erosion of public health standards, simply because the former is considered a private asset and the latter is a public burden.”

BS: Leaning back, playing the referee

“Now, Cyrus. You are making a political comment disguised as an atmospheric one. The government maintains, quite rightly, that these agencies are tackling serious corruption across the board. They are playing a long innings. But let’s look at the Common Minimum Program for the Lungs. You suggest ‘innovative methods’ for citizens. Like what? A reverse sweep against the smog?”

Cyrus: “Exactly! It is the hallmark of the Model Citizen to find self-help solutions. In my workshop, I am currently fashioning discarded coconut husks and old gamchas, those sturdy rags of the masses, into personal, disposable filtration masks. I call them the Gamcha Pradushan Kavach. Why wait for a normally functioning Parliament to pass a Clean Air Act when the business of legislation is being conducted with such haste and without the usual procedural scrutiny? We can and we must simply chisel our own way to oxygen! We must embrace the ‘wealth creation’ of the spirit. If you can’t breathe, simply recall the official pronouncements that assure us of unparalleled growth. The rhetorical force should be sufficient to clear the lungs.”

BS: Chuckling

“The Gamcha Pradushan Kavach! I can see the patent application now. It is certainly a local solution. But isn’t that a bit opaque and perhaps unfair? Not everyone has the local materials or the inclination to tinker with gamchas.”

Cyrus: “My dear BS, the criteria for survival should be as simple as the criteria for citizenship. You may recollect my criteria of establishing that you are an Indian citizen? Can you deploy coloured spit with accuracy when eating paan?  Or can you live near a garbage pile to prove your residency? If so, you are a citizen. No need for an elaborate SIR exercise. And if one is satisfying both criteria, one is already biologically fortified against the haze. It is a masterpiece of irony that the very structures that demand allegiance are unable to provide breathable air. Perhaps we should take a page from the proponents of ‘polyelectory’ or the right to vote under multiple identities. If one can vote multiple times under sundry aliases, surely one can purchase multiple lungs under assorted pseudonyms to navigate the poor air quality.”

BS: Laughing, looking at the camera

“Polyelectory for the lungs! You heard the genius of Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala here first. He manages to find the humour, and the profound lessons, in the grim reality of our public discourse. As I always say, the truth lies somewhere between a bouncer and a yorker. We need the industry to grow, but we also need to, well, exist. ‘Kuch toh log kahenge,’ Cyrus, but will they be able to say it without coughing?”

Cyrus: BS, you must remember, that the sharpest truths are delivered with a pen dipped in wit, not a nebuliser. My satire is merely a mirror, albeit a slightly warped and polished antique one. It reflects the gradual chipping away of India’s foundational values: its diversity, equal opportunity, dignity, and its capacity to nurture independent thought. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my workshop. I have a pressing matter concerning the preservation of vintage documents. I fear that the very principles of fair play are being eroded, much like the lacquer on my finest teak. My most prized possession is my grandfather’s voter slip, preserved with great care. But not many people have preserved such heirlooms. And they may struggle to wade off the alleged Vote Chori attempts. They may need help. So, ta-ta for now!”

BS: Smiling broadly, waving to the viewers

“A classic innings from Cyrus! Stay tuned, because after the break, we’ll be discussing if the new tax on digital wallets is a ‘demonetisation delivery’ or just a mid-wicket muddle. This is Cross Bat, where we keep the field spread and the music loud!”

(A regular contributor to SabrangIndia, the writer is a conscientious citizen and a man of science and letters)

Related:

The Nation needs an Ethanol Republic – A Satire

A Satirical Imperative Request (SIR) to the CEC of India

Cyrus Seeks a Right to Multiple Voter Ids

A Satirical Plea, Dripping with Envy, to President Xi Jinping of China

The post The Cross Bat Conversation: Air, antiques and force majeure appeared first on SabrangIndia.

The Dazzling Den by the Sea

Colaba, Mumbai

September 1, 2025

To

The Honourable Minister of Road Transport and Highways,

Government of India,

New Delhi – 110001

Subject: Ethanol Blended Everything for a Happier Bharat

Hon’ble Sir,

Allow me to introduce myself. My full time vocation is to dialogue with luminaries like yourself on matters of national and global importance. In the past, leaders like Xi, Trump and our very own Supreme Leader, have benefited from my musings. On the side, I dabble in vintage woodcraft.

What an exciting pantomime you’ve started with this Ethanol Blended Petrol (EBP) initiative!

E20 is in every pump, saving ₹1.44 lakh crore in forex for the nation. It is making farmers happy. You have also promised Green Hydrogen at $1 per kilo! Wow, you will soon become the Tata – Birla of renewable dreams!

However, as a proud Parsi sitting in my den by the sea, sipping ethanol free chai (for now), I’m wondering, “Why stop at petrol? If sugarcane juice can fuel our Maruti Swifts, why not blend ethanol into everything else for national importance? Why don’t we make India the world’s Ethanol Republic?

Here’s my humble list of ethanol blended goodies to revolutionize our desi lifestyle, reduce emissions, and maybe even make us giggle like we would at a Parsi double meaning play. 

Ethanol Blended Milk (E20 Moo)

Sir, our cows are burping methane like nobody’s business. At 25 kilos per cow per year, it’s enough to rival a Gurgaon traffic jam smog! We should blend 20% ethanol into milk, and voila, one could calm the cow’s tummy, cut methane emissions, and give kids a fizzy milkshake that doubles as a science experiment. Amul’s next tagline could be “The Taste of India, now with a Kick!” The cows might wobble a bit, but think of the forex savings. No need to import methane scrubbers when we’ve got ethanol straight from Maharashtra’s sugarcane fields. Any downside? Kids might start singing “Tumhi ho mata, ethanol tumhi ho” at school assemblies.

Ethanol Blended Cooking Oil (E10 Fry)

Why fry our bhajiyas in boring groundnut or palm oil when we can splash in 10% ethanol? Our pakoras will pop with patriotic zeal. The kitchen will smell like a Mallya distillery, reminding us of the Good Times. Ethanol’s high octane could literally make our samosas combust with flavour! The economic impact will be significant with less oil import (₹12 lakh crore saved, like EBP). If the kadhai catches fire, it’s just a “green flame” for Bharat’s glory. We might of course need fireproof aprons, but that’s a small price for a crispy, eco-friendly vada-pav. 

Ethanol Blended Pani Puri (E15 Gol Gappa)

Our street food needs a patriotic upgrade! Mix 15% ethanol into the theekha pani, and every gol gappa will become a tribute to energy security. The spicy kick will mask the ethanol tang, and the buzz will have our chaat lovers dancing to “Bharat Mata ki Jai” on the streets. Health benefit? Ethanol’s antiseptic properties might kill off that dodgy bacteria from roadside stalls. Downside? We’ll need designated drivers for pani-puri binges. But hey, that may create a million new jobs for Ola & Uber! 

Ethanol Blended Chai (E10 Brew)

Chai is our national drink, isn’t it?  Let’s blend 10% ethanol into every cup, and we’ll have our yuppies zipping through spreadsheets like a hydrogen powered Tata bus. The sugarcane farmers will thank you, and we’ll save forex by cutting coffee imports (who needs Starbucks when you’ve got Ethanol Chai?). Less milk would mean fewer methane belching cows. An upside could be that Irani cafés might turn into karaoke bars, with uncles singing “Chaiyya Chaiyya” off-key. 

Ethanol-Blended Roshogulla (E20 Sweet)

Why stop at liquids? We should infuse our beloved roshogullas with 20% ethanol syrup, turning every bite into a patriotic sugar rush. Kolkata’s sweet shops should lead this charge. We should even export these sizzling balls to beat Brazil’s ethanol game. Emission reduction? Maybe not, but the happiness index will soar, and happy citizens would burn less fossil fuel. We may have to warn diabetics to stick to sugar free E0 roshogullas. 

Ethanol-Blended Incense Sticks (E5 Agarbatti)

For our temples and yoga retreats, we could blend 5% ethanol into agarbatti for a cleaner burn, literally and spiritually. The smoke will carry ethanol’s green vibes to the gods, reducing our carbon karma. As agarbattis spread the smell of a sugarcane distillery, devotees will be reminded of your EBP success. Downside? Priests might start dancing during aarti. We could attribute that to divine enthusiasm!

Why These Ideas, Sir?

The EBP program is a green dream saving ₹1.44 lakh crore and making farmers rich (₹40,000 crore in 2025 alone). It is also cutting CO2 by a modest 0-8%. But here’s the catch: our beloved sugarcane, the heart of this ethanol utopia, is a water-guzzling beast, slurping 7,150 litres per litre of ethanol while our rivers and groundwater in Maharashtra and Uttar Pradesh cry for mercy! It’s like dieting with gulab jamuns, a noble intent, though a messy outcome. Brazil’s E27 program faces the same paradox, drying up their fields for a 10-20% emission cut. Why not blend ethanol into our chai and roshogullas instead, saving water and letting us sip our way to a greener Bharat without turning our farms into deserts?

Brazil went all in with E27 and flex-fuel vehicles. The ethanol blended doodh, pakoras, and roshogullas will diversify our ethanol use and make every Indian a stakeholder in this green revolution. And, if you’re dreaming of offering hydrogen at $1/kg, why not dream of ethanol in every chai stall and sweet shop? 

How to Make It Happen? 

Label Everything. Brazil’s pumps scream “E27” or “E100.” Our doodhwallahs and chaatwallahs need “E20 Moo” or “E15 Gol Gappa” signs, mandated by the Petroleum & Natural Gas Regulatory Board, to avoid confusion. No one should get a sober pani-puri by mistake!

Subsidize Blending. Offer ₹2,000 crore to Amul and Haldiram’s for ethanol-blending R&D, like your ₹19,744 crore subsidy for hydrogen fuel. If Reliance can aim for $1/kg hydrogen, why not $1/litre ethanol chai?

Do nationwide Consumer Education. Launch ads with you sipping E10 chai, saying, “Bharat ka fuel, Bharat ka taste!” Brazil’s ethanol ads won hearts. We need the Bollywood Khans to sell ethanol roshogullas.

Retrofit Industrial Kitchens. Like Maruti’s E20 kits (₹9,000-₹16,000), fund ethanol compatible kadhais and doodh vats. No corrosion in our bhajiyas, please!

A Small Favour

If hydrogen hits ₹80/kg ($1/kg), can we get a Parsi discount on FCEVs? My old Fiat can’t handle E20, and a Toyota Mirai at ₹50 lakh is a bit much for my humble budget. Until then, I’ll dream of ethanol blended bheja fry at Kyani Café.

Yours in patriotic and slightly tipsy fervour,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

Proud Parsi / Ethanol Enthusiast / Far-out Furniture Fan 

P.S. Do invite me to the E20 roshogulla launch. I’ll bring my own ethanol-blended kaju katli!

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The post The Nation needs an Ethanol Republic – A Satire appeared first on SabrangIndia.

The Chief Election Commissioner
New Delhi
20 August 2025

Hon’ble Sir

Please allow me to introduce my humble self.

I inherited a furniture business from my late father, Behramji Navrozeji Puranafurniturewala.  I love to tinker with vintage furniture. I chisel and polish them to befit the glory of Amrit Kaal.  I am also known for my observations on social events. I write occasional letters to global leaders who, I would like to believe, value my sharp analysis of current affairs and my typical Bawa sangfroid!

I have been watching the Special Intensive Revision exercise in Bihar (SIR) with great interest. I laud your most noble goal of disqualifying folks who have no business to be in our glorious land and who should have no contact, whatsoever, with our holy ballot boxes.

Unprincipled elements have, however, created a foul narrative that suggests that you are deviously invalidating citizenship rights of people. Where you say you have rightfully expunged 6.5 mill folks in Bihar from the electoral rolls, those who envy your powers say that you have denied 6.5 mill folks their rights!

Your goal is honorable. Sir.  Do not shy away from it. I implore you to embark on this mission nationwide. I would only recommend that you simplify your methods to those that ordinary people can relate to.

Here are some suggestions on simplifying the Indian citizenship exercise:

• A self-attested affidavit confirming that the applicant has on numerous occasions given or accepted “donations of gratitude” to get things accomplished when official methods did not yield desired results, with examples of no less than five instances of merit. This is the surest way to certify that the applicant has Indian DNA.
• Men can provide self-attested affidavits confirming that they have been living their lives following the purest traditions of patriarchy, archetypal in our land. They can provide examples of their practices, habits and rituals that validate their claim. Once their claims have been found valid, which should be routine, all women living with such men should be granted automatic citizenship.
• Those owning vehicles or driving ones for vehicle owners, can self-certify how many times a day they hoot or honk or park their vehicles in “No Parking zones”. Those exceeding five times a day, must be regarded as citizens. Those falling short must undergo “appropriate orientation”, before re-applying.
• People who live in neighborhoods that are unsanitary by any hygiene standards – those living near piles of garbage, those willfully disposing off garbage on the roads, in the rivers, in public spaces, those who walk past garbage multiple times during the day without batting an eyelid, should easily qualify as Indian citizens. A simple self-attestation with relevant pictures of garbage as described in above situations, should suffice.
• What about folks who live most of their lives in the digital world? They should be treated with equal courtesy. Folks with social media profiles that discredit others on the basis of their caste, class, gender, color, orientation should be considered native citizens and can provide self-attestation with screenshots of their social media posts.
• Those who have refined “spitting” to a fine art and who can deploy their oral colored projectiles with pinpoint accuracy should send five unique photographs of their artwork and claim citizenship.
• Those who employ people and pay them way below “living wages” and / or make them work over 70 hours a week, ought to be a special category of citizens. No evidence should be required for such stellar folks.

I hope you get the drift. Your team can no doubt be a lot more creative and find easier and more convenient means of citizen identification.

Seeking documentary evidence like birth certificates, domicile certificates, passports, education certificates, caste certificates, family registers, land / house allotment certificates, has spooked folks of varying social class and literacy.

You may recall that the Hon’ble PM once said “There is simplicity in every Indian”. Hence expectations from them must also be innocent and simple. The documentary evidence that I have recommended will be recognized by folks across levels of social classes and literacy. These can be provided easily without much struggle. It will also obviate the need to employ short cut methods by your staff to “fill and sign the forms on behalf of the people without their knowledge” as has been alleged by some annoying elements of society.

I would also urge that you make the results public. Names of all who have qualified as citizens along with the basis of their citizenship should be made public. This will dispel all notions of ECI being opaque and arbitrary in its methods. Nomenclature of “citizenship categories” should be simple such as – Gratification Donor, Hooter, No Parking Veteran, Patriarch, Living with Patriarch, Digital Irritant, Living in Empathy with Garbage, Accomplished Spitter and Star Employer.

A welcome outcome of this exercise, if simplified as suggested, will be the easy exclusion of those who bring impediments to the growth and prosperity of our nation. These are folks who want to change things. They move around being honest, purposeful, sincere and caring. And trying to make a difference to other people’s lives! In other words, not minding their own business! For inexplicable reasons, they dream of an India that once celebrated its diversity and found strength in it – an India that should provide equal opportunity and dignity to all! Is such a nation desirable?

Your faithful and most law abiding citizen (by the Hooter criteria)

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

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The post A Satirical Imperative Request (SIR) to the CEC of India appeared first on SabrangIndia.

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
The Dazzling Den by the Sea
Colaba, Mumbai

August 15, 2025

To

Hon’ble Rahul Gandhi,
Leader of Opposition, Lok Sabha,
New Delhi.

Subject: Multiple Voter IDs Are My Democratic Right

Dear Rahul, 

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala here, Colaba’s czar of vintage teak and a chap who’d polish Modi’s kurta buttons if asked. 

You might recall my previous missive, where I skewered your Lok Sabha manifesto with the sharpness of a carpenter’s chisel. As a pen-pal to global bigwigs like Donald Trump and our own Esteemed Leader, I like to believe that my musings on democracy and rosewood almirahs carry some weight. 

But today, I’m positively peeved, Bro Rahul. 

Your August 7 voter list fraud tamasha poured cold water on my polyelectory parade, and I won’t have it!

You’re out there waving voter lists thicker than my Aunt Deliz’s recipe book, crying “chori” over 1,00,250 dodgy votes in Mahadevapura. 

Gurkirat Singh Dang had four EPIC numbers, Shakun Rani is doubling as a “first-time voter” at age 71 and 68 voters are residing at a Whitefield brewery! Isn’t that exciting and spicy like a Parsi Dhansak? So why the long face? 

For chaps like me, this polyelectory or the art of casting multiple votes under sundry aliases isn’t fraud; it’s just democratic disco! Your exposé feels like an assault on my right to project new identities! I demand my right to vote multiple times under different identities!

Look here, Bro, you have had a Thali, haven’t you? You would have enjoyed the rich variety of currys, dals, pickles, sweets, rice and rotis, packed in one Thali. We similarly crave to be many different personas in our daily lives. 

By day, I’m a son, a husband, a vintage furniture aficionado; by night, a dreamer of rakish personas. A philanderer, a party crasher, or that uncle who lectures the kids about “sanskaar” while sneakily gorging away extra jalebis. 

Some of us graduate to epic roles: a chaiwala turned global statesman, a godman turned yoga guru despite a murky past, or a neta who morphs from a rabble-rouser to a ribbon-cutter. The paanwala desires to be a real estate baron, the village sarpanch is secretly dreaming of being a mining magnate, the humble bank clerk is craving a Swiss bank account! 

Speaking for myself, I yearn to play Pritam Mewani, the suave Gujarati tycoon bagging airports and ports with a wink to the powers-that-be, or Anthony Gonsalves, the lady-killer serenading Colaba’s belles, or Percy Mody, the escape artist vanishing to the Caribbean with a billion dollar bank loan, leaving only a whiff of sandalwood cologne. 

I seek voteversatility to allow me to vote as each of these avatars. Why do you seek to clip my wings? Your fuss about fake addresses such as “House No. 0,” or 80 voters in a 10 sq. ft. room, or a hip name like “ilsdfhug” for a father’s name misses the point. It’s not rigging; it’s kick ass creativity, like naming my 1920s lamp “Art Deco Dazzler.” 

And those 10,452 voters crammed into one address? That’s just a voter mela, like all my aunties piling into my vintage 1962 Fiat to go to a wedding feast. You claim a crore new voters sprouted in Maharashtra faster than monsoon weeds. Fabulous! Its democracy’s dhansak, and I want seconds. 

Why shouldn’t I vote as Cyrus B. Puranafurniturewala in one booth, Cy P. Wala in another, and “Teak Tycoon” at a third, with addresses like “3B, Sea Breeze,” “That Posh Pad by the Irani Café,” or “Flat Overlooking the Sea, Colaba”? My voter ID photos could sport disguises such as a moustache for Pritam, shades for Anthony, a fake beard for Percy. It’s Bollywood style polyelectory!

Instead of demanding CCTV footage or digital voter lists, why not demand a Ministry of Multiple Identities? Imagine a grand office issuing voter cards to every deserving dreamer, working hand-in-glove with the Ministries of Home, Finance, and Fantasy to ensure we all get to play our parts. I’d queue up for IDs as Pritam, Anthony, and Percy, voting for progress, panache, and a quick getaway. 

This Independence Day, Rahul bro, please champion my freedom to be whoever I fancy: a tycoon, a heartthrob, or an absconder, whenever and wherever I please. Don’t let the Constitution’s stuffy rules sand down my democratic dazzle!

So, please defuse your “atom bomb” of proof and join the Masti of Multivotery. Let’s make polling booths as lively as the Colaba flea market, where every alias is a steal and every vote a new swagger. Your dimples deserve a smile, not a scowl, as we dance through this voter ID vaudeville.

With the warmest salutations and in fervent expectation of propitious tidings,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

P.S. If you spot me voting thrice, it’s just Percy Mody practicing for the Caribbean Cha-cha-cha!

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The post Cyrus Seeks a Right to Multiple Voter Ids appeared first on SabrangIndia.

To His Excellency, President Xi Jinping,

Leader of the Great People’s Republic of China,

Beijing

March 20, 2025

Dear President Xi,

Greetings from the cluttered workshop of Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, a humble craftsman in a land where furniture holds stronger than promises. I write to you with a heart heavy with envy and a tongue dipped in satire, gazing across the Himalayas at your glittering megacities, your relentless factories, your citizens marching in lockstep towards a future we in India can only glimpse in Bollywood sci-fi flops. China, it seems, has sprinted so far ahead that we’re left wheezing in the dust of your progress, trapped in the low-middle-income dump—or “trap,” as the polite economists call it.

And so, I come to you as a desperate petitioner, begging you to level the playing field. Not by lifting us up, mind you, but by dragging China down to our exquisite level of self-inflicted chaos. 

We in India have become maestros of mismanagement, with a towering figure whose name echoes through the winds (and WhatsApp forwards). He has gifted us a playbook of dysfunction so masterful it deserves a Nobel Prize in reverse engineering. I implore you, Your Excellency, to borrow a few pages from it. Let China stumble for a decade or two – make it three—why rush greatness? Unleash upon your orderly nation the divine art of bedlam, and let’s compete as equals in the swamp of stagnation.

Here’s how you might begin.

First, take a leaf from our economic gospel: prop up a single tycoon until he’s a colossus, towering over fair competition. Shower him with ports, airports, coal mines, and contracts, while smaller players choke on red tape and despair. Watch your GDP soar on paper while the invisible hand of the market gets a cramp from saluting one man. We’ve perfected this art, ensuring that wealth trickles up to the penthouse while the rest of us scramble for the crumbs. It’s a brilliant distraction—people are too busy marvelling at private jets to notice the potholes.

Next, throttle your opposition with the finesse of a chess grandmaster. Unleash your agencies—tax authorities, investigators, the works—to hound dissenters into submission. Label them traitors, freeze their accounts, and raid their homes at midnight. Turn this into a national sport, ensuring that only one voice rings out, loud and unchallenged, while the rest are gagged or exhausted. It’s democracy, but with a twist—like a Bollywood plot where the hero always wins, and the villains conveniently vanish.

Then, force a linguistic straitjacket on your diverse nation. Pick Mandarin, perhaps, and ram it down every throat, from Tibet to Guangdong. Tell the rest their tongues are quaint relics, unfit for modernity. We’re doing wonders with Hindi, alienating our southern states—those pesky, prosperous rebels who dare to thrive without bowing to the northern script. Add a dash of delimitation to the mix—redraw your political map to dilute their influence. Threaten to shrink their parliamentary seats, and watch them squirm as power tilts toward your loyal heartland. It will be called a masterstroke, ensuring unity through resentment.

While you’re at it, dismantle your autonomous institutions with surgical glee. Universities, courts, election bodies—turn them into obedient puppets dancing to your tune. Steadily strangle them, replacing inconvenient independents with nodding loyalists. It’s liberating, really—why bother with checks and balances when you can have a choir singing your praises? And if you’re feeling generous, cede some territory to a neighbour—perhaps a chunk of Xinjiang to Russia. Call it diplomacy, shrug off the critics, and let the maps rewrite themselves.

Now, for the cultural flourish: embrace mumbo jumbo with open arms. Promote cow dung and cow urine as cure-alls—or pig dung and pig urine, to suit your tastes. Declare them scientific marvels, peddle them on state TV, and jail anyone who dares to snicker. Just like bovine worship here turned into a growth industry, side-line pesky things like hospitals and labs. Sprinkle in some religious fervour—proclaim yourself a divine avatar, maybe Mao reincarnated with a heavenly mandate. Let your people riot over your celestial guest list, as one is seeing here with Aurangzeb’s ghost. It’s a splendid way to keep them busy while inflation leaps like a kangaroo on steroids and unemployment cripples the young (they’re too idle anyway).

Speaking of distraction, target interfaith love with righteous zeal. Call it “love jihad” or some catchy equivalent—say, “Coupling Sabotage”—and paint it as a conspiracy to undermine your nation. Turn romance into a battlefield, jailing couples who dare cross religious lines, while mobs cheer. It’s a unifying cause—nothing bonds a people like policing bedrooms. And don’t stop there: dehumanize a few groups for good measure. Pick your Muslims and Dalits—perhaps your Uyghurs and rural poor—and strip them of dignity. Call them threats, invaders, lesser beings; let laws and lynching do the rest. Hone this craft, ensuring that unity comes at the cost of a few million souls.

Let communal disharmony bloom like a toxic flower. Stoke ancient grudges—dig up some Ming Dynasty feud and make it today’s headlines. Learn how you can profit from resurrecting Mughal ghosts like Aurangzeb to spark riots while the present burns. Set a few provinces ablaze—your own Manipur Moment—and watch drug addiction rise like incense at a prayer meeting. Cronyism, too, should flourish; let your loyalists loot the coffers while the rest queue for handouts. Orchestrate your tycoons and riots in perfect harmony—progress can wait.

The beauty of this plan, Your Excellency, is its sheer audacity. Your bullet trains could rust into bullock carts, your AI hubs morph into astrology dens, your global dominance fade into endless debates about who built what 500 years ago. Distract your citizens with grand tales of your divine origins—a comet foretold your birth, perhaps?—and let the graveyards of history become your national pastime. Turn nostalgia into a narcotic, force-feeding your people the past while the future slips through their fingers like sand.

I confess, there’s a sting in this plea, a bitter edge to my satire. We are folks who were once sold a dazzling dream—trillion-dollar visions, a seat at the world’s table. But now? We’re cheated of that promise, marched backward to exhume skeletons while your great nation builds tomorrow. Our youth scroll X for memes, our leaders peddle cow dung cures, and our southern states simmer under Hindi’s yoke. Muslims and Dalits are scapegoats, love is a crime, and a tycoon’s empire grows while competition withers. Agencies silence dissent, institutions crumble, and territory slips away—all under the banner of greatness.

So, I beg you, President Xi: join us in this grand farce. Mismanage your nation with flair—let religious fervour, cronyism, and chaos reign. Let’s race to the bottom together, two ancient civilizations wading through the same muck, our people too busy fighting over dung to notice the stars. Only then can we compete on even terms, equals in entropy, comrades in collapse. May the best mismanager win—and may the furniture I craft outlast both our futures.

Yours in sardonic solidarity,

Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

Mumbai, India

(Where the wood is solid, but the dreams splinter) 

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The post A Satirical Plea, Dripping with Envy, to President Xi Jinping of China appeared first on SabrangIndia.

To,

His Excellency,

The Honorable Beloved Leader

I bow in front of thee a million times in awe and admiration. I know how busy you are on your campaign trail across the length and breadth of this country. What a wonderful idea it was to spread this election over 7 phases and 2 months. It has given every nook and corner of the country the divine opportunity to witness the toil you put in for the nation.

Your Excellency, you will be glad to know the efforts this loyal fan of yours has put in to support your continued reign. When the Indian National Congress came out with their manifesto, I was the first to shoot out a tersely worded missive to Rahul Gandhi, soundly admonishing him on the absurd promises:

• Guarantee of 30 lakh government jobs, as opposed to your time tested strategy of temporary contracting or idling
• Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year apprenticeship for educated youth, walking away from your simple and effective strategy of working hard on merit or practicing simple “pakoda” entrepreneurship
• Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year to one woman from every poor family, possibly allowing their families more education, but depriving us of cheap, illiterate labour
• Guarantee of MSP to farmers, depriving your Big Business friends from their rightful profits in hoarding food stocks

These are but a few of my criticisms. Since then, I have noted your own sharp rebuttals – calling it cleverly, the manifesto of the Muslim League. Or stealing mangalsutras of Hindu women to – devilishly – enrich Muslim women. I have also noted that a few of your carefully chosen confidantes have hinted on possible changes to the Constitution. This is welcome. The Constitution must be a living document and must reflect the aspirations of the most educated, the most privileged and the ones with the most means. Only then, can our great nation reclaim its lost glory.

That brings me to the manifesto released by Your Excellency. You will be overjoyed to know that our society, The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B, has endorsed you vision of Viksit Bharat 2047 and passed resolutions to that effect. It has also resolved to adopt the UCC within its society members, making us the first housing society to embrace your vision.

The warm welcome to your Viksit Bharat Vision proves to us all that you are the only rightful heir to take our nation ahead. Yet there remain some neigh sayers. Like Commie Chacko, our society’s General Secretary who has made some incendiary remarks about your conduct. I make some recommendations below on how to crush these urban naxals with finality.

• On the charges of corruption in your party – I suggest that Ratan Tata, as the trustee, declare the names of all the donors to the PM Cares Fund and the detailed use of funds and personally clarify all the questions that may arise. All corruption allegations will vanish
• On the charge that you have misused investigative agencies – it is easy to demonstrate their neutrality by sacrificing some your party colleagues – the ones you do not want anymore – by handing them over to the agencies
• On the charge that your concerns for women safety and their respect, are fake, as there are many people with rape and sexual assault charges in your party – I suggest that you surround yourselves by women for a few weeks – any women – and show them smiling, laughing and having a good time. This should dispel the myth that you are not pro-women
• On the charge that you have conceded territory to China and are afraid to do anything about it – you have rightfully rejected this. You should highlight that trade with China has gone up. Is trade better or useless border territory?
• On the charge that you have encouraged hatred towards Muslims and have used this as an election ploy – You have aptly retorted that if you ever did this, you wouldn’t be fit for public life
• On the charge that Ambani and Adani are funding the enemy – One can immediately give out a dozen new airport leases to the latter and free unlimited 5G spectrum to the former – this will dispel the gloom and also bring much needed relief to the markets
• On the charge that you are afraid of a press conference – I suggest that you engage the services of your very able mimic, Shyam Rangeela to handle this and have Karan Thapar in the panel of interviewers. Mr. Rangeela, should be appropriately coutured by your very own fashion consultant. He has been mimicking you successfully for a few years and will hit the ground running
• On the charge that you are not a family man and hence devoid of empathy – While all your party colleagues and fans like I have warmly called themselves your family members, this has evidently not proved sufficient. I suggest that you command your friends, Bibi, Joe, Vladimir, Rishi, Barack, Emmanuel, Bill and Xi to casually mention in their speeches that they are now part of your family
• On the charge that you are a fake Vishwaguru – I would suggest that you move on and declare yourself as PrithviGuru. Your vision of Viksit Bharat 2047, after all, will save the whole planet. Will it not?
• On the charge that you lie a lot – It is hard to convince people that there is no absolute truth but only versions of it. I empathize with your predicament. As kids, we would say “God promise” and that would be it. You, on the other hand, could say, “Ram Satya” and that would be gospel
• On the charge that your pet schemes like Demonetization, GST implementation, Swach Bharat, 100 Smart Cities, Doubling Farmer’s incomes, generating 2 crore jobs a year, reducing fuel prices, Bringing Black Money back and depositing Rs 15 lakhs in every account, reducing inequality and poverty – have been disasters – I am personally glad that you do not talk about them anymore. Ordinary people do not understand data. However, they do appreciate a dreamy vision. Your defense should be along the lines, “I do not sit on my past laurels. I must keep moving forward and showing you bigger dreams of what is possible”
• On the charge that ECI is not acting independently in this election – I would suggest that you ask your friend Vladimir or Xi to send some independent observers and certify the election as “fair and neutral”
• On the charge that you are afraid to visit Manipur – clearly a man as busy as you cannot be everywhere, even if he wants to. But you can bring Manipur over – you could inaugurate a Manipur Rock Festival in Delhi – featuring North East musicians, even if they are not from Manipur – nobody would know the difference – this should shut them up
• On the charge that you want to change the Constitution – I suggest that you need not deny this. Say that you have to. As you are responding to the love and the trust of the people of India who want you to be the “Leader for Life”. Your friend, Xi did it. So should you.

I hope my humble suggestions will be some use to you. I along with hundreds of millions look forward to you becoming our Leader for Life. Onward to Viksit Bharat 2047!

Yours unflinchingly, unequivocally, unabashedly for ever and ever,

Citizen Cyrus

I was now hopeful. A Leader for Life did ensure safe and booming markets for life. A Fan, inspired by his Beloved Leader, had saved a Friend!

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The post Seeking a Leader for Life – A satire appeared first on SabrangIndia.

He had indeed brought my milk and papers. He was also waving a sheaf of ominous looking yellow sheets that could mean only one thing – my neighbor, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, had drafted something. The short note was curt, “Please give your comments on this draft to Puncturewala. Matter urgent. Of vital national importance.”

I sat down with a sigh. I noticed that Samir had not left. He was expected to take the draft back. With my comments. I am not at my best in the mornings. Even Cyrus knows it. But does he care? Wait a minute. I do hope you remember Cyrus – my educated, eloquent and erudite neighbor of advancing years, active in our Housing Society affairs as well as a keen follower of national events. He had once pleaded with the Beloved Leader for the use of Pegasus to spy on our General Secretary, Mr. H.E. Chacko or Commie Chacko as he was privately called. In keeping with the spirit of the ongoing national elections, he had persuaded a reluctant Commie Chacko to call a Special General Body Meeting of our society. The General Body passed 3 resolutions – endorsing – the 3 pictures of the Beloved Leader to be put up in the Common Areas of the housing Society, the Vision of the Beloved Leader for Viksit Bharat 2047, and the Uniform Society Code on lines of the Uniform Civil Code. He had even given Rahul Gandhi a piece of his mind on his “outrageous” manifesto.

I glanced at Cyrus’ draft. It was addressed to a Dhruv Rathee. “Samir, who is this Dhruv? Some new chap in our Housing Society, usurping Cyrus’ parking space? Or some neighborhood politician?”

Samir appeared hesitant. On prodding, he said, “Sir, he is a Youtuber who has millions of followers. He likes to call himself a teacher and shares his knowledge on Indian and world history, current affairs, sightseeing and tech. He is a young, savvy dude and speaks with simplicity and facts. His recent videos have created a nationwide stir. He called Electoral Bonds, the biggest scam in the history of India. He has called our Beloved Leader a scared and desperate Dictator and his fans a club of brainwashed WhatsApp mafia.”

“Whoa! Seems like Cyrus has found his match! Please read on.”

And so the draft was read out:

Dear Dhruv Rathee

Who are you? Are you a NRI or a Foreigner? Anyway, why are you interfering in India’s internal affairs?

You have maligned my Beloved Leader. You have maligned WhatsApp. This is not done. Not done at all!

I am shaking with anger. You have insulted my intelligence. You are saying I have been brainwashed! I have studied at IIT and IIM. I have made a lot of wealth and am enjoying my senior years with equally privileged and learned people at The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society Blocks A and B. We have seen our wealth grow three times in the last decade. Are you mocking this?

Even with my abundant material comforts, am I sitting idle? No Sir, no. I take a keen interest in the affairs of our Housing Society. I am a keen observer of national current affairs too.

I would first like to give you a point wise response on Brainwashing and WhatsApp mafia that you refer to in your latest video.

You make the allegation that people like me have become fan boys of the Beloved Leader and our admiration is just blind faith. No. A big No. We are critical too. Here are some examples where I have found the Beloved Leader wanting:

• Pegasus was used to do surveillance on enemies of state. Why wasn’t it opened up for ‘Pay for Use” by private citizens who are patriots? That was a lost business opportunity.
• Demonetisation was done only on the big notes. Had it been done on smaller notes as well, we would have found the small cash hoarders as well. Results may well have been different. Digital economy would have leapfrogged.
• The temple inauguration was restricted to Indian guests only. Foreign heads of states should have been invited to showcase the glory of our ancient civilization. India’s standing in the comity of nations would have reached staggering heights.

Your video shows people gleefully accepting higher petrol prices as a mark of trust in their Beloved Leader. What is wrong in this? If Indira Gandhi and other leaders could donate their jewelry towards the funds needed for a War with China, surely we can all do our bit with higher priced fuel to fund corona vaccines, Ayushman Bharat and free grains for the poor. This is philanthropy at scale, perhaps beyond your comprehension.

You have called Indian WhatsApp users an organized mafia or a den for broadcasting lies and misinformation. Bro, what have you been smoking? Had it not been for this “university”, Nehru, Gandhi, Godse and Savarkar would have long been forgotten. It has also been possible to reincarnate leaders long erased from memory, like Golwalkar, Shyama Prasad Mukherjee and that other guy. Why do you grudge new generations of Indians digging into their past and rediscovering themselves? Why do you grudge this spirit of enquiry into different versions of history? Or this odyssey of exploring our glorious scientific achievements from our medieval past, like plastic surgery, space travel, artificial insemination and internet?

In another video, you have alleged that India is fast turning into a Dictatorship. Bro, you are smoking something very potent! This is the second national election under this government. It has conducted countless state and local body elections. These are elections. Elections! Votes have been cast. Votes have been counted. People’s choices have been elected. Does that sound like a dictatorship? You have made references to arrest of Chief Ministers. If you have any evidence of their innocence, then please share that with the investigating authorities. Until then, we must let them do their jobs. You have said media has sold out. They are doing their job. Millions are watching their programs. Are they stupid?

Perhaps you are confusing a strong leadership with dictatorship. Our Beloved Leader is a Strong Leader. He is thoughtful and decisive – example Demonetization, Lockdown, banning China apps.  He is agile – example Manipur conflict. He is disciplined – example various internet shutdowns, action against urban naxals. He is generous too – example steep reduction in corporate taxes, feeding 81 crore poor Indians with free grains. With time, he will become even more decisive, agile, disciplined and compassionate than Xi and Putin. He will do our nation proud.

In another message, you have covered what you think are the good points of the Congress manifesto, namely, filling up 30 lakh government job vacancies, MSP guarantee and full debt relief for farmers, apprenticeship guarantee for jobless youth with pay, one woman of each poor family to get a guaranteed Rs one lakh annually as recognition of their free labor at home. In the spirit of democracy, I did send my 20 critical observations on this manifesto to Rahul Gandhi. Have you read them? As an example, I have expressed my utter dismay at his graceless abandonment of fast-track Bulldozer justice, the strict “no bail” criminal laws, demolition of mosques & churches, CAA laws and the Agniveer scheme. I have expressed disappointment at the gross neglect of Big Business, the backbone of our country. Read them with an open mind and convey them to Bro Rahul.

In the same message, you have been rather contemptuous of the ruling party and that they have nothing to offer. So, you are showing contempt for the Beloved Leader? This is not done. Only the other day, the residents of The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society Blocks A and B had a Special General Body Meeting. After careful thought and much debate, we decided to endorse the Beloved Leader’s Vision for Viksit Bharat 2047. Doesn’t this fill you with joy? Bullet trains, dazzling airports, sparkling malls and a maze of multi-lane highways! All run hopefully by efficient and patriotic people like Adani, Ambani, etc. The Society further endorsed the promise of the Uniform Civil Code and that in line with its principles, the Society will adopt a  Uniform Society Code, where all members will agree to a homogenous set of rules on all areas of life – food, clothing, language, intimacy, relationships, etc. This is a fine example of Unity in Homogeneity. Our Society will be the first in the country to adopt and practice UCC at the micro level. This is called Walking the Talk.

Do we sound like a set of brainwashed people?

Finally, I hope you have understood the concerns on redistribution of wealth as expressed by the Beloved Leader. As aptly conveyed by tycoon Ronnie Malhotra, redistribution and sharing is best done only for “feel good substances” at student hostel parties.

I trust you have got enough food for thought. A letter of apology to the Beloved leader would be in order.

Cordially

Citizen Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala

I looked thoughtfully at Samir. “This is frankly way beyond me. What do you think, Samir?”

“Sir, I think you were correct – Dhruv Rathee may have found his match!”

Related:

What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi

The post Cyrus calling Dhruv Rathee appeared first on SabrangIndia.

Most members, as I did, assumed that the agenda would be the perilous condition of the Society’s buildings and the need for urgent repairs or the water crisis facing the island city as a whole.

The meeting started with the boiler plate greetings from our affable General Secretary, Mr. Happymon Esthapan Chacko. He then dropped the bombshell, “The Society received an unusual request from Mr. Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala to convene a SGM. This was backed by the required number of members as per prevailing byelaws. This group believes that the impending Lok Sabha elections and their results will have a lasting impact on the future of the Society and that its members must take a calculated and decisive stand on it. I now invite Mr. Cyrus to state their case”.

The readers may recall the very enigmatic Mr. Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. An educated, erudite and eloquent man of advancing years, Mr. Cyrus was very active in all forms of political activity. From advocating how parking slots should be awarded to how new members must be screened or which festivals should be celebrated, he had a view on all of our Society’s affairs. He even kept a close watch on who was having secret trysts with whom.  He rose to rapid fame when he wrote to the Beloved Leader, requesting him for the use of Pegasus, to spy on the Society Secretary. This was meant to aid him in the Society’s elections, which he lost. Nevertheless his quick grasp of the potential of this unique technology drew admiration from many members. He had recently written a dramatic and widely publicised letter to an Opposition Member of Parliament, offering feedback on their election manifesto.

“We all know how our country has advanced in the last decade. It is now the world’s 5^th largest economy and poised to be the 3^rd largest soon. Demonetization was an effective knock on the black economy. The Beloved Leader battled Covid-19 and saved many millions from dying. New army recruits are benefiting from the Agniveer Scheme. Our Hindu friends have a new Ram Temple to seek eternal blessings from. Kashmir, Ladakh and Manipur are safe, secure and flourishing. His interventions in the Ukraine and Israel conflicts are now folklore. The Stock markets are flying and all of us are leading cushy lives as a result. The 81 crore poor people are being supported with free ration. The whole world is looking up to us. Our Beloved Leader has promised to make this great nation a Developed Country by 2047. We should stand by him and demonstrate to the country, what a Model Cooperative Housing Society is. We must give our unequivocal support to the Beloved Leader by passing a resolution of support for all the new promises being made by our Beloved Leader”, thundered Cyrus.

A cry of cheer rose and nearly drowned a lone voice that spoke up. But Mr Chacko had heard it. It was from Mr Fasel Atke Khan. A strapping young man – he had film star looks, was often a voice of reason, and was revered by the ladies.

“There is a water crisis in the city. Water rationing is going on. Do we have a plan to battle it? Our civil structure is showing great strain. There were even a couple of accidents that very nearly injured some residents. Will it withstand another monsoon? Can we deal with these issues? I suggest that the General Body not waste a single moment on discussion of Lok Sabha elections but focus on these issues and take urgent and necessary decisions.”

A louder cry of condemnation filled the room. Within moments, Cyrus was back on the dais and continued, “Thank you. The General Body clearly understands its priorities. I now present to you this remarkable document.” With a flourish, he produced an important looking, grandly textured, orange shaded document. “This is called Guarantee 2024. The Beloved Leader has given his vision of making us an advanced country and has made a few guarantees. I request the General Body’s support in favor of the forthcoming resolutions”.

He continued, “There are nearly 50 pictures of the Beloved Leader in this document. I vote that we choose one from my selection of 3, as the one that will decorate all vantage points in our Society for the next few months. These will be put up in our gardens, our common areas, our parking lots and in our homes. We will also have these on our digital devices. The first option is that of our Beloved Leader in military fatigues walking away from a fighter jet that he has just flown. The second is of our Beloved Leader meditating in the Himalayas, no doubt praying for our country’s wellbeing. The third is of our Beloved Leader heading the Temple inauguration. Let us have a vote on them please.”

A voice of protest arose. It was indeed a tough choice. The crowd wanted all three. And so it was resolved that “The Society will embrace all the 3 suggested pictures, with The Commander gracing our Common Areas, The Sanyasi gracing our Gardens and The Pujari blessing our Homes and Digital Devices”.

“Our Beloved Leader has made a guarantee of making India a developed country by 2047. It will be completely Atmanirbhar. It will have multiple Bullet trains and luxury Vande Bharats crisscrossing the length and breadth of the country. There is emphasis on dignity of life, quality of life, quantity of opportunity, and quality of opportunity. Now I know the neigh sayers among you will ask – what about the 2 crore jobs a year that were promised. What about the doubling of farmer incomes? What about Rs 15 lakhs in each bank account? What about the 100 Smart Cities? To them, I say haven’t the Stock Markets tripled in the last decade? And don’t they continue to rise? Aren’t the markets the ultimate arbiter of what the country needs? Haven’t they benefited us all and made our next two generations comfortable? Isn’t it self-destructive to rock the boat? I vote that we embrace this vision whole heartedly and incorporate its principles in our Redevelopment plans for the Society and become the first Cooperative Housing Society in India to redevelop itself based on the principles outlined by our Beloved Leader for Viksit Bharat”

As a roar of approval began to break out, the Lone Voice spoke, “Mr. Cyrus, a vision must be backed by a realistic plan, with clear measurable goals and a concrete plan to execute. If 10 year goals have not been achieved, are we not getting carried away with 25 year goals with no specifics?”

An angry chorus could be heard, “Stop trolling our Beloved Leader! We don’t need to know everything. Let’s enjoy the ride and not worry about how and when we reach our destination.”

And so it was resolved that “the Society unequivocally endorses the Viksit Bharat 2047 vision and that it will conduct the affairs of the Society, including its Redevelopment, embracing the principles embodied within it”

“Moving on,” Cyrus resumed, “Our Beloved Leader has promised to implement the Uniform Civil Code bringing a spirit of Oneness to our great nation. We would like to take these principles and implement a Uniform Society Code, wherein all our members will register their relationships, their affairs, their food habits, their bedroom protocols, their wardrobe contents, their Google search history, their law & order record with the Society. A Special Task Force will then screen the data and advise a Uniform Society Code that will ensure uniformity in our dress code, our wine and dine code, our bedroom code, etc. etc. We aim to, once again, become the first Cooperative Housing Society in the country to implement the fundamental principles of a Uniform Code in an actionable manner.”

The applause reached a crescendo drowning the Lone Voice. And so it was resolved that “the Society unambiguously endorses the Uniform Civil Code and will implement the Uniform Society Code, embracing the principles embodied within it”

A beaming Cyrus concluded, “Thank you members for your unwavering and passionate support. I will dash off a letter to our Beloved Leader, advising him of our commitment behind the cause of Viksit Bharat 2047. I am hoping, that as a result, his business friends take a personal interest in redeveloping our society. Congratulations to us all. Viksit Bharat, Viksit Society!”

Mr Chacko took the dais for his concluding remarks. “Members, there is an exceptional item that has come up for a decision – Ten members of the Society have confirmed that they have lost their jobs and are unable to make their monthly maintenance payments. They have requested us for a 12 month waiver, on compassionate grounds. Do we agree?”

A pregnant silence followed. No one was willing to bear this extra burden of monthly expenses on account of their laid off neighbors. The meeting ended in chaos.

Related:

What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi

The post A Cooperative Housing Society “embraces” the Vision of Viksit Bharat 2047 appeared first on SabrangIndia.