The author, under the pseudonym of Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala, writes a sharply critical letter. Cyrus is a satirist and a keen observer of current affairs. In his letter to the Leader of Opposition, Rahul Gandhi, he seeks his support for polyelectory, the right to vote multiple times under multiple identities. He gently chides him to shut down his ruckus over alleged voter list fraud and cajoles him to support the creation of a Ministry of Multiple Identities.
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
The Dazzling Den by the Sea
Colaba, Mumbai
August 15, 2025
To
Hon’ble Rahul Gandhi,
Leader of Opposition, Lok Sabha,
New Delhi.
Subject: Multiple Voter IDs Are My Democratic Right
Dear Rahul,
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala here, Colaba’s czar of vintage teak and a chap who’d polish Modi’s kurta buttons if asked.
You might recall my previous missive, where I skewered your Lok Sabha manifesto with the sharpness of a carpenter’s chisel. As a pen-pal to global bigwigs like Donald Trump and our own Esteemed Leader, I like to believe that my musings on democracy and rosewood almirahs carry some weight.
But today, I’m positively peeved, Bro Rahul.
Your August 7 voter list fraud tamasha poured cold water on my polyelectory parade, and I won’t have it!
You’re out there waving voter lists thicker than my Aunt Deliz’s recipe book, crying “chori” over 1,00,250 dodgy votes in Mahadevapura.
Gurkirat Singh Dang had four EPIC numbers, Shakun Rani is doubling as a “first-time voter” at age 71 and 68 voters are residing at a Whitefield brewery! Isn’t that exciting and spicy like a Parsi Dhansak? So why the long face?
For chaps like me, this polyelectory or the art of casting multiple votes under sundry aliases isn’t fraud; it’s just democratic disco! Your exposé feels like an assault on my right to project new identities! I demand my right to vote multiple times under different identities!
Look here, Bro, you have had a Thali, haven’t you? You would have enjoyed the rich variety of currys, dals, pickles, sweets, rice and rotis, packed in one Thali. We similarly crave to be many different personas in our daily lives.
By day, I’m a son, a husband, a vintage furniture aficionado; by night, a dreamer of rakish personas. A philanderer, a party crasher, or that uncle who lectures the kids about “sanskaar” while sneakily gorging away extra jalebis.
Some of us graduate to epic roles: a chaiwala turned global statesman, a godman turned yoga guru despite a murky past, or a neta who morphs from a rabble-rouser to a ribbon-cutter. The paanwala desires to be a real estate baron, the village sarpanch is secretly dreaming of being a mining magnate, the humble bank clerk is craving a Swiss bank account!
Speaking for myself, I yearn to play Pritam Mewani, the suave Gujarati tycoon bagging airports and ports with a wink to the powers-that-be, or Anthony Gonsalves, the lady-killer serenading Colaba’s belles, or Percy Mody, the escape artist vanishing to the Caribbean with a billion dollar bank loan, leaving only a whiff of sandalwood cologne.
I seek voteversatility to allow me to vote as each of these avatars. Why do you seek to clip my wings? Your fuss about fake addresses such as “House No. 0,” or 80 voters in a 10 sq. ft. room, or a hip name like “ilsdfhug” for a father’s name misses the point. It’s not rigging; it’s kick ass creativity, like naming my 1920s lamp “Art Deco Dazzler.”
And those 10,452 voters crammed into one address? That’s just a voter mela, like all my aunties piling into my vintage 1962 Fiat to go to a wedding feast. You claim a crore new voters sprouted in Maharashtra faster than monsoon weeds. Fabulous! Its democracy’s dhansak, and I want seconds.
Why shouldn’t I vote as Cyrus B. Puranafurniturewala in one booth, Cy P. Wala in another, and “Teak Tycoon” at a third, with addresses like “3B, Sea Breeze,” “That Posh Pad by the Irani Café,” or “Flat Overlooking the Sea, Colaba”? My voter ID photos could sport disguises such as a moustache for Pritam, shades for Anthony, a fake beard for Percy. It’s Bollywood style polyelectory!
Instead of demanding CCTV footage or digital voter lists, why not demand a Ministry of Multiple Identities? Imagine a grand office issuing voter cards to every deserving dreamer, working hand-in-glove with the Ministries of Home, Finance, and Fantasy to ensure we all get to play our parts. I’d queue up for IDs as Pritam, Anthony, and Percy, voting for progress, panache, and a quick getaway.
This Independence Day, Rahul bro, please champion my freedom to be whoever I fancy: a tycoon, a heartthrob, or an absconder, whenever and wherever I please. Don’t let the Constitution’s stuffy rules sand down my democratic dazzle!
So, please defuse your “atom bomb” of proof and join the Masti of Multivotery. Let’s make polling booths as lively as the Colaba flea market, where every alias is a steal and every vote a new swagger. Your dimples deserve a smile, not a scowl, as we dance through this voter ID vaudeville.
With the warmest salutations and in fervent expectation of propitious tidings,
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
P.S. If you spot me voting thrice, it’s just Percy Mody practicing for the Caribbean Cha-cha-cha!
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