A Satire by Chandru Chawla
Welcome to a special edition of Cross Bat, the interview program where bouncers are bowled at the truth. We are at the end of 2025. We are looking back at a year of tectonic shifts for the ordinary Indian citizen and looking ahead to the democratic innovations of 2026.
Our host is Balancedeep Sabchangasi. He is a veteran journalist who loves a good cricket metaphor. He often speaks in the nostalgic tones of a Bollywood ballad. He seeks a spectrum of views but sometimes misses the termites for the teak.
His guest today is Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus is a master restorer of antiques from the old money lanes of Colaba. He lives in The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society. He sees the world through the grain of polished rosewood and the smell of turpentine. He defends the status quo with a sharp, earthy Parsi wit. Yet, his defence often reveals the dark, moth-eaten underbelly of our modern civilization.
TRANSCRIPT: CROSS BAT with Balancedeep Sabchangasi
Balancedeep: Hello and welcome to Cross Bat! I’m Balancedeep Sabchangasi. Today, we are analysing the state of the nation in 2025. It feels like the final over of a T20 match. The floodlights are bright. The crowd is roaring. But the pitch is cracking. Is this a new Viksit Bharat melody? Or is it just a loud remix of a dark past?
Joining me is the man who knows how to hide a termite hole with a lick of varnish. Welcome, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus, let’s go straight to the crease.
I. The Scorecard: Economy and “Job Loss” Growth
Balancedeep: Cyrus, Professor Arun Kumar, an experienced economist, says our GDP figures are a “staggering lie.” He told The Wire that India’s actual GDP is probably 48% of the official figure because we use the organized sector as a proxy for the dying unorganized sector. Are we playing a night match with the floodlights turned off?
Cyrus: (Adjusting his waistcoat) My dear Balancedeep, or BS, data is like old plywood. It must be pliable to fit any frame. If the government says we are a $ 4 trillion economy, then we must be! Why worry about unorganised sectors collapsing? In my workshop, if a chair leg is missing, I just lean it against a sturdy wall. It looks perfect in the showroom.
BS: But economist Rathin Roy warns we are in a “middle-income trap.” He noted on The Wire that the resulting inequality could “challenge the unity and integrity of India.” Aunindyo Chakravarty, another noted economist, says the middle class is “running on fumes and credit cards.” Economist Jayati Ghosh even says counting subsistence work as employment is “throwing dust in our eyes” while real wages stay stagnant. Is Viksit Bharat only for the billionaire class?
Cyrus: Progress is for those who can afford the premium finish! If the middle class is running on credit, it shows they have high confidence. We must prioritise the big houses. You cannot build a grand mansion starting with the servant’s quarters. Harish Khare calls it a “deadly embrace” of cronyism, but I call it Strategic Support for our master craftsmen.
II. The Umpiring: Democracy and “Vote Chori”
BS: Let’s talk about the “SIR” electoral revision. Former Psephologist, Yogendra Yadav says it is a “tectonic shift” where the burden has moved from the state to the voter. In Bihar, 80 lakh voters went missing. Is this “dacoity from the front door”?
Cyrus: (Laughs) Dacoity? It is Democratic Auditing! In my housing society, if a tenant doesn’t pay the lift fund, he “disappears” from the guest list. It is very efficient. If the list “conceals more than it reveals,” it keeps the mystery alive. Which Indian doesn’t love a surprise on Election Day?
BS: But Pratap Bhanu Mehta warns that the “Civilizational State” is the “single greatest assault” on religion. He said in The Hindu that it shrinks universal spiritual codes into a rigid ethnic framework. Ravish Kumar noted that the Parliament has become a “notary office for the executive.” Is dissent now a “threat to civilization”?
Cyrus: Civilization must be solid, like a teak wardrobe. If there are splinters of dissent, you sand them down. You want a smooth surface. Pluralism is for museums. In a Viksit Bharat, one prefers the symmetry of a single door cabinet. It is much easier to lock. Ravish always sounds so sombre. He should try some dhansak for breakfast!
III. The Fourth Estate: Media or “Godi” Upholstery?
BS: Speaking of Ravish Kumar, he has made a piercing observation on the state of our discourse. He says, “In this country, the price of gold and silver has reached the skies, but the price of the media has fallen so low that it is now available for free to do your bidding.” Has the media become a Godi lapdog, Cyrus?
Cyrus: (Chuckles, buffing a brass handle) My dear fellow, why look for expensive investigative journalism when you can have a friendly media for the price of a cheap finish? If the gold is at the top, the silver is in the pockets of the owners, and the journalists are just the polishers, everyone is happy! In The Happyman’s Society, we don’t want a watchdog that barks at the Secretary; we want a lapdog that looks good on the sofa. If the media is cheap, it just means the government is getting a bargain on its PR!
IV. The Field: National Security and “Vishwavictim”
BS: Suhasini Haidar of The Hindu says we have moved from “Vishwaguru” to “Vishwavictim,” blaming global conspiracies for everything. She notes that “personal bonhomie” cannot replace “institutional stability” with Trump’s tariffs. Are we isolated?
Cyrus: Isolated? We are Multi aligned! That is Parsi speak for “having tea with everyone while hiding the silver.” If China dictates a “new normal” at the LAC, as Happymon Jacob says, we must simply redefine what “normal” means! If the border moves, our maps must simply become more “flexible.”
V. The Ground Conditions: Environmental “Renovation”
BS: The air is unbreathable. It is a man-made public health emergency. Environmentalist Neelam Ahluwalia says the new 100 meter Aravalli definition is “catastrophic.” Are we razing our “green lungs” for real estate?
Cyrus: Flat land is much easier to develop, man! If the mountain is gone, we simply sell luxury villas with “Desert Views.” It is Landscape Optimisation.
BS: Professor Pankaj Sekhsaria calls the Great Nicobar project a “betrayal” of a pristine landscape. We are clearing 130 sq. km of rainforest in a quake zone. Acharya Prashant says these disasters are a “mirror to our misplaced idea of progress.” In Goa and Mumbai, trees are being “savagely destroyed” for smart cities.
Cyrus: Oxygen is so 20th century! In a Smart City, we have air conditioning, air purifiers and 5G towers. Why rely on a tree that drops leaves on your Mercedes when you can have a concrete pillar? We are replacing “Nature” with “Net Worth.”
VI. The Fair Play: Identity and Infinite Detention
BS: Cyrus, this is painful. A student from Tripura, Angel Chakma, was recently murdered in Dehradun. He died pleading: “I am Indian, not Chinese.” His father is a BSF jawan. Ravish Kumar asks, “What does it feel like to be a minority in 2025 India?”
Cyrus: (Quietly) There are admittedly cracks in the foundation, BS. If you treat fine teak as firewood because you don’t recognize the grain, you destroy something irreplaceable. We guard the borders but build “partitioned neighbourhoods” in our heads. It is a dry rot in our soul.
BS: And what of those held for years without trial? One a scholar who preaches love, peace and brotherhood and another who innovates and bats for the Himalayas, to name only two? Aakar Patel says “prolonged persecution exemplifies the derailment of justice.”
Cyrus: We call it Progressive Preservation. Why have a messy trial when you can season the wood in a cell? It brings Institutional Stability. No trials, no errors!
BS: Finally, why are rapists treated with leniency? Observers say this “moral collapse” signals that women’s dignity is secondary to political expediency.
Cyrus: It is Strategic Forgiveness. If a part of the furniture is infested but influential, you don’t burn it. You apply a fresh coat of Remission Varnish. It keeps the social cohesion intact.
Interviewer’s Summary and Conclusion
BS: Cyrus, give us a peek at 2026. Specifically, how will the millions of unemployed survive and how will the social fabric evolve?
Cyrus: (Beaming) 2026 is the year of the Self-Restoring Citizen! Since we don’t have enough formal jobs, everyone will become an Adventurer. We shall see a glorious rise in YouTube Influencing, where people film themselves hungry and call it Intermittent Fasting Content.
We will have Friendly Podcasting, where five unemployed PhDs sit in a circle and discuss why they don’t have jobs until they get millions of views from other unemployed PhDs. It’s a circular economy! And the Pakoda Type Businesses will reach new heights. We won’t just sell snacks; we will have Artisanal, Deep Fried Identity Circles.
But the real growth sector for 2026 will be the mushrooming of specialized Brotherhood of Men outfits. You know the type, half pantalooned volunteers who gather in playgrounds to discuss culture, while doing calisthenics. We shall see thousands of these cultural trusts formed! It is a brilliant strategy for keeping the wealth within the family, so to speak!
By 2026, we shall bypass the politician middleman and vote for Boardrooms. Citizenship will be a subscription service. The country will be run like a high-end furniture showroom, strictly for those who can afford the entry fee.
BS: (Turning to the camera with a wistful gaze) India 2025 is a masterclass in polishing the surface while the termites feast below. As Cyrus hints, 2047 is not a destination; it is a teak finished horizon that stays safely out of reach. We are moving toward a 2026 where Justice is a gift and Brotherhood is a tax-exempt hobby.
It reminds me of the lyrical conscience of the poets, Sahir and Shailendra, who saw through the shining facades of their own time. Today, the common man is still that vagrant (Awaara) who has “learned everything but failed to learn worldly cunning” (Sab kuch seekha humne na seekhi hoshiyaari). We live in a society where “mortal men have no value, though even the soil has a price” (Mitti ka bhi hai kuchh mol magar, insaanon ki qimat kuchh bhi nahin).
Our leaders ask us to celebrate a Viksit vision, but as Sahir warned, “an emperor has used his wealth to mock the love of the poor” (Ik Shahenshah nay daulat ka sahara lekar, hum garibon ki muhabbat ka udhaya hai mazaak). We are told “that morning will surely come” (Woh subah kabhi to aayegi), yet we find ourselves wandering in an “endless night” where “lamps fail to light the darkness”.
In the game of life, if you can’t hit a six, just bribe the scoreboard operator. We are merely “travellers to whom no one belongs” (Wahan kaun hai tera musafir), watching a world “written upon the surface of water” (Paani pe likhi likhayi). The polish is bright, but as the poets knew, the rot remains. Goodbye and Shubhratri.
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