I had fallen asleep uneasily that night. At around midnight, I woke up with a start. I had had a nasty dream. My modest though chunky stock portfolio of Ambani and Adani shares had fallen, bringing unpalatable losses. I had broken my cardinal rule of staying away from the stock market. I had got carried away by the soothing words of my good friend and neighbor, Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. He had reassured, “You can’t go wrong. Both are diehard chums of our Beloved Leader. The nation’s economy will eventually be carved out between these two very able leaders. Get on the gravy train or you will curse yourself later.” The Fear of Missing Out gripped me and I was on board with a small fortune extracted from my precious bank deposits. The going had been pleasant thus far. But only the other evening, the Beloved Leader had accused his two tycoon friends of helping the enemy! What would happen now? Would there be a crash? I remembered Hindenburg! My visions of buying a house were hurtling down in front of my eyes. I looked at my watch. It was 2 am. I knocked nervously on Cyrus’ door. It opened quickly. It looked like he had been up. And he was strangely calm. “Come in. I know you are tense. Don’t worry. The Beloved Leader is campaigning with vigour. In a recent interview he shed a few tears. And remembered that he felt he was Ma Ganga. He is back to his normal emotional self. All will be well. I have just finished writing a letter of moral support to him.” And with a flourish, he began to read it aloud:
To,
His Excellency,
The Honorable Beloved Leader
I bow in front of thee a million times in awe and admiration. I know how busy you are on your campaign trail across the length and breadth of this country. What a wonderful idea it was to spread this election over 7 phases and 2 months. It has given every nook and corner of the country the divine opportunity to witness the toil you put in for the nation.
Your Excellency, you will be glad to know the efforts this loyal fan of yours has put in to support your continued reign. When the Indian National Congress came out with their manifesto, I was the first to shoot out a tersely worded missive to Rahul Gandhi, soundly admonishing him on the absurd promises:
- Guarantee of 30 lakh government jobs, as opposed to your time tested strategy of temporary contracting or idling
- Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year apprenticeship for educated youth, walking away from your simple and effective strategy of working hard on merit or practicing simple “pakoda” entrepreneurship
- Guarantee of Rs 1 lakh a year to one woman from every poor family, possibly allowing their families more education, but depriving us of cheap, illiterate labour
- Guarantee of MSP to farmers, depriving your Big Business friends from their rightful profits in hoarding food stocks
These are but a few of my criticisms. Since then, I have noted your own sharp rebuttals – calling it cleverly, the manifesto of the Muslim League. Or stealing mangalsutras of Hindu women to – devilishly – enrich Muslim women. I have also noted that a few of your carefully chosen confidantes have hinted on possible changes to the Constitution. This is welcome. The Constitution must be a living document and must reflect the aspirations of the most educated, the most privileged and the ones with the most means. Only then, can our great nation reclaim its lost glory.
That brings me to the manifesto released by Your Excellency. You will be overjoyed to know that our society, The Happyman’s Cooperative Housing Society, Blocks A and B, has endorsed you vision of Viksit Bharat 2047 and passed resolutions to that effect. It has also resolved to adopt the UCC within its society members, making us the first housing society to embrace your vision.
The warm welcome to your Viksit Bharat Vision proves to us all that you are the only rightful heir to take our nation ahead. Yet there remain some neigh sayers. Like Commie Chacko, our society’s General Secretary who has made some incendiary remarks about your conduct. I make some recommendations below on how to crush these urban naxals with finality.
- On the charges of corruption in your party – I suggest that Ratan Tata, as the trustee, declare the names of all the donors to the PM Cares Fund and the detailed use of funds and personally clarify all the questions that may arise. All corruption allegations will vanish
- On the charge that you have misused investigative agencies – it is easy to demonstrate their neutrality by sacrificing some your party colleagues – the ones you do not want anymore – by handing them over to the agencies
- On the charge that your concerns for women safety and their respect, are fake, as there are many people with rape and sexual assault charges in your party – I suggest that you surround yourselves by women for a few weeks – any women – and show them smiling, laughing and having a good time. This should dispel the myth that you are not pro-women
- On the charge that you have conceded territory to China and are afraid to do anything about it – you have rightfully rejected this. You should highlight that trade with China has gone up. Is trade better or useless border territory?
- On the charge that you have encouraged hatred towards Muslims and have used this as an election ploy – You have aptly retorted that if you ever did this, you wouldn’t be fit for public life
- On the charge that Ambani and Adani are funding the enemy – One can immediately give out a dozen new airport leases to the latter and free unlimited 5G spectrum to the former – this will dispel the gloom and also bring much needed relief to the markets
- On the charge that you are afraid of a press conference – I suggest that you engage the services of your very able mimic, Shyam Rangeela to handle this and have Karan Thapar in the panel of interviewers. Mr. Rangeela, should be appropriately coutured by your very own fashion consultant. He has been mimicking you successfully for a few years and will hit the ground running
- On the charge that you are not a family man and hence devoid of empathy – While all your party colleagues and fans like I have warmly called themselves your family members, this has evidently not proved sufficient. I suggest that you command your friends, Bibi, Joe, Vladimir, Rishi, Barack, Emmanuel, Bill and Xi to casually mention in their speeches that they are now part of your family
- On the charge that you are a fake Vishwaguru – I would suggest that you move on and declare yourself as PrithviGuru. Your vision of Viksit Bharat 2047, after all, will save the whole planet. Will it not?
- On the charge that you lie a lot – It is hard to convince people that there is no absolute truth but only versions of it. I empathize with your predicament. As kids, we would say “God promise” and that would be it. You, on the other hand, could say, “Ram Satya” and that would be gospel
- On the charge that your pet schemes like Demonetization, GST implementation, Swach Bharat, 100 Smart Cities, Doubling Farmer’s incomes, generating 2 crore jobs a year, reducing fuel prices, Bringing Black Money back and depositing Rs 15 lakhs in every account, reducing inequality and poverty – have been disasters – I am personally glad that you do not talk about them anymore. Ordinary people do not understand data. However, they do appreciate a dreamy vision. Your defense should be along the lines, “I do not sit on my past laurels. I must keep moving forward and showing you bigger dreams of what is possible”
- On the charge that ECI is not acting independently in this election – I would suggest that you ask your friend Vladimir or Xi to send some independent observers and certify the election as “fair and neutral”
- On the charge that you are afraid to visit Manipur – clearly a man as busy as you cannot be everywhere, even if he wants to. But you can bring Manipur over – you could inaugurate a Manipur Rock Festival in Delhi – featuring North East musicians, even if they are not from Manipur – nobody would know the difference – this should shut them up
- On the charge that you want to change the Constitution – I suggest that you need not deny this. Say that you have to. As you are responding to the love and the trust of the people of India who want you to be the “Leader for Life”. Your friend, Xi did it. So should you.
I hope my humble suggestions will be some use to you. I along with hundreds of millions look forward to you becoming our Leader for Life. Onward to Viksit Bharat 2047!
Yours unflinchingly, unequivocally, unabashedly for ever and ever,
Citizen Cyrus
I was now hopeful. A Leader for Life did ensure safe and booming markets for life. A Fan, inspired by his Beloved Leader, had saved a Friend!
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What are you doing Bro? Cyrus writes a 20 Point, Open Letter to Rahul Gandhi