A Satire, by Chandru Chawla
In this explosive new episode of Cross Bat, the ever-balanced Balancedeep Sabchangasi (BS), famed for mixing politics with Bollywood nostalgia and cricket metaphors, interviews the incomparable Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. This Colaba based antique restorer is The Quintessential Model Citizen. He brings his sharp Parsi wit to India’s Air Quality crisis. While BS juggles policy and pop songs, Cyrus dismisses the smog as force majeure. He argues that citizens should stop complaining until the AQI hits a respectable 1000, proposing instead that we adopt innovative self-help ideas for personal breathing.
Balancedeep Sabchangasi (BS): Adjusting his pocket square and peering into the camera with that signature blend of gravity and “good-bloke” charm
“Good evening, tonight on Cross Bat, we are tackling the literal elephant in the room, or rather, the smog in the stadium. As the legendary Sunil Gavaskar would say, you have to play the ball late when the conditions are overcast, but today, the ‘overcast’ is a toxic cocktail of PM2.5. Is this a policy failure, or are we just caught on a sticky wicket? Joining me is a man who sees through the haze with the precision of a Parsi antique dealer. He is none other than Mr Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala. Cyrus, you’re a resident of Colaba and The Model Citizen. Tell me, as someone who restores vintage teak, how do you see this national breathlessness? Is the government out for a duck?”
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala: Seated with an air of old-world dignity, hands folded over a silver topped cane
“My dear Balancedeep, or May I call you BS? Your penchant for mixing cricket metaphors with atmospheric tragedy is truly a piece of ‘kick-ass creativity’. However, you are barking up the wrong vintage rosewood tree. This so-called pollution is clearly force majeure, an Act of God, or a divine intervention to ensure we don’t see the potholes in our Amrit Kaal too clearly. Why do you seek a culprit where there is only atmospheric seasoning?”
BS: Nodding vigorously, leaning forward
“A fair point, Cyrus, a very fair point. On the one hand, the environmental activists are screaming for a policy overhaul, demanding immediate action to protect public health, but on the other hand, the economy must keep its strike rate up, right? We can’t just retire hurt. As the evergreen Kishore Kumar sang, ‘Zindagi ek safar hai suhana,’ but right now, the Safar is through a thick, choking smog. Surely, when the sun disappears at noon, the administration needs to step up to the crease and deliver some air quality reforms?”
Cyrus: Letting out a delightful, old-world chuckle
“Bah! We Indians have become far too pampered, seeking ‘dignity’ and ‘equal opportunity’ at the cost of traditional endurance. I will request the higher echelons of our nation that the government should only act when the AQI hits a solid, respectable 1000 in every square inch of the nation. Until then, any intervention would lower the dignity of self-respecting, law-abiding citizens. We must allow the fumes to trickle up to the penthouses, let the elite breathe what the masses have perfected! It is the only equitable form of wealth redistribution.”
BS: Smirking, sensing a viral moment
“Trickle-up pollution! That’s a sharp delivery. It certainly shifts the blame. But Cyrus, the hospitals are full. Children are coughing. Even the singers, and you know I love my nostalgia, can’t hit the high notes due to the particulate matter. The opposition alleges a complete breakdown of governance, a failure to protect the basic right to breathe. Isn’t this an indictment of democratic checks and balances? Or is this just the unavoidable price of Ache Din?”
Cyrus: His tone sharpening with strategic “naïve” edge
“Moral imperatives are for those who haven’t studied the ‘simplicity’ of our current era. If a citizen can’t survive a little soot, how will they survive the relentless shifts in our national narrative? Do you know that the only time governmental agencies are strengthened and mobilised with great speed is when dissent surfaces, not when citizens choke. We must look closer at our system. The very mechanisms praised for acting swiftly, like the ED, CBI, and IT department, are strangely silent on arresting the smog itself. This implies that the air quality is not deemed a threat to ‘national interest’ or ‘legitimate dissent.’ Frankly, I’m more concerned about the erosion of my antique lacquer than the erosion of public health standards, simply because the former is considered a private asset and the latter is a public burden.”
BS: Leaning back, playing the referee
“Now, Cyrus. You are making a political comment disguised as an atmospheric one. The government maintains, quite rightly, that these agencies are tackling serious corruption across the board. They are playing a long innings. But let’s look at the Common Minimum Program for the Lungs. You suggest ‘innovative methods’ for citizens. Like what? A reverse sweep against the smog?”
Cyrus: “Exactly! It is the hallmark of the Model Citizen to find self-help solutions. In my workshop, I am currently fashioning discarded coconut husks and old gamchas, those sturdy rags of the masses, into personal, disposable filtration masks. I call them the Gamcha Pradushan Kavach. Why wait for a normally functioning Parliament to pass a Clean Air Act when the business of legislation is being conducted with such haste and without the usual procedural scrutiny? We can and we must simply chisel our own way to oxygen! We must embrace the ‘wealth creation’ of the spirit. If you can’t breathe, simply recall the official pronouncements that assure us of unparalleled growth. The rhetorical force should be sufficient to clear the lungs.”
BS: Chuckling
“The Gamcha Pradushan Kavach! I can see the patent application now. It is certainly a local solution. But isn’t that a bit opaque and perhaps unfair? Not everyone has the local materials or the inclination to tinker with gamchas.”
Cyrus: “My dear BS, the criteria for survival should be as simple as the criteria for citizenship. You may recollect my criteria of establishing that you are an Indian citizen? Can you deploy coloured spit with accuracy when eating paan? Or can you live near a garbage pile to prove your residency? If so, you are a citizen. No need for an elaborate SIR exercise. And if one is satisfying both criteria, one is already biologically fortified against the haze. It is a masterpiece of irony that the very structures that demand allegiance are unable to provide breathable air. Perhaps we should take a page from the proponents of ‘polyelectory’ or the right to vote under multiple identities. If one can vote multiple times under sundry aliases, surely one can purchase multiple lungs under assorted pseudonyms to navigate the poor air quality.”
BS: Laughing, looking at the camera
“Polyelectory for the lungs! You heard the genius of Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala here first. He manages to find the humour, and the profound lessons, in the grim reality of our public discourse. As I always say, the truth lies somewhere between a bouncer and a yorker. We need the industry to grow, but we also need to, well, exist. ‘Kuch toh log kahenge,’ Cyrus, but will they be able to say it without coughing?”
Cyrus: BS, you must remember, that the sharpest truths are delivered with a pen dipped in wit, not a nebuliser. My satire is merely a mirror, albeit a slightly warped and polished antique one. It reflects the gradual chipping away of India’s foundational values: its diversity, equal opportunity, dignity, and its capacity to nurture independent thought. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my workshop. I have a pressing matter concerning the preservation of vintage documents. I fear that the very principles of fair play are being eroded, much like the lacquer on my finest teak. My most prized possession is my grandfather’s voter slip, preserved with great care. But not many people have preserved such heirlooms. And they may struggle to wade off the alleged Vote Chori attempts. They may need help. So, ta-ta for now!”
BS: Smiling broadly, waving to the viewers
“A classic innings from Cyrus! Stay tuned, because after the break, we’ll be discussing if the new tax on digital wallets is a ‘demonetisation delivery’ or just a mid-wicket muddle. This is Cross Bat, where we keep the field spread and the music loud!”
(A regular contributor to SabrangIndia, the writer is a conscientious citizen and a man of science and letters)
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