Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
The Dazzling Den by the Sea
Colaba, Mumbai
September 1, 2025
To
The Honourable Minister of Road Transport and Highways,
Government of India,
New Delhi – 110001
Subject: Ethanol Blended Everything for a Happier Bharat
Hon’ble Sir,
Allow me to introduce myself. My full time vocation is to dialogue with luminaries like yourself on matters of national and global importance. In the past, leaders like Xi, Trump and our very own Supreme Leader, have benefited from my musings. On the side, I dabble in vintage woodcraft.
What an exciting pantomime you’ve started with this Ethanol Blended Petrol (EBP) initiative!
E20 is in every pump, saving ₹1.44 lakh crore in forex for the nation. It is making farmers happy. You have also promised Green Hydrogen at $1 per kilo! Wow, you will soon become the Tata – Birla of renewable dreams!
However, as a proud Parsi sitting in my den by the sea, sipping ethanol free chai (for now), I’m wondering, “Why stop at petrol? If sugarcane juice can fuel our Maruti Swifts, why not blend ethanol into everything else for national importance? Why don’t we make India the world’s Ethanol Republic?
Here’s my humble list of ethanol blended goodies to revolutionize our desi lifestyle, reduce emissions, and maybe even make us giggle like we would at a Parsi double meaning play.
Ethanol Blended Milk (E20 Moo)
Sir, our cows are burping methane like nobody’s business. At 25 kilos per cow per year, it’s enough to rival a Gurgaon traffic jam smog! We should blend 20% ethanol into milk, and voila, one could calm the cow’s tummy, cut methane emissions, and give kids a fizzy milkshake that doubles as a science experiment. Amul’s next tagline could be “The Taste of India, now with a Kick!” The cows might wobble a bit, but think of the forex savings. No need to import methane scrubbers when we’ve got ethanol straight from Maharashtra’s sugarcane fields. Any downside? Kids might start singing “Tumhi ho mata, ethanol tumhi ho” at school assemblies.
Ethanol Blended Cooking Oil (E10 Fry)
Why fry our bhajiyas in boring groundnut or palm oil when we can splash in 10% ethanol? Our pakoras will pop with patriotic zeal. The kitchen will smell like a Mallya distillery, reminding us of the Good Times. Ethanol’s high octane could literally make our samosas combust with flavour! The economic impact will be significant with less oil import (₹12 lakh crore saved, like EBP). If the kadhai catches fire, it’s just a “green flame” for Bharat’s glory. We might of course need fireproof aprons, but that’s a small price for a crispy, eco-friendly vada-pav.
Ethanol Blended Pani Puri (E15 Gol Gappa)
Our street food needs a patriotic upgrade! Mix 15% ethanol into the theekha pani, and every gol gappa will become a tribute to energy security. The spicy kick will mask the ethanol tang, and the buzz will have our chaat lovers dancing to “Bharat Mata ki Jai” on the streets. Health benefit? Ethanol’s antiseptic properties might kill off that dodgy bacteria from roadside stalls. Downside? We’ll need designated drivers for pani-puri binges. But hey, that may create a million new jobs for Ola & Uber!
Ethanol Blended Chai (E10 Brew)
Chai is our national drink, isn’t it? Let’s blend 10% ethanol into every cup, and we’ll have our yuppies zipping through spreadsheets like a hydrogen powered Tata bus. The sugarcane farmers will thank you, and we’ll save forex by cutting coffee imports (who needs Starbucks when you’ve got Ethanol Chai?). Less milk would mean fewer methane belching cows. An upside could be that Irani cafés might turn into karaoke bars, with uncles singing “Chaiyya Chaiyya” off-key.
Ethanol-Blended Roshogulla (E20 Sweet)
Why stop at liquids? We should infuse our beloved roshogullas with 20% ethanol syrup, turning every bite into a patriotic sugar rush. Kolkata’s sweet shops should lead this charge. We should even export these sizzling balls to beat Brazil’s ethanol game. Emission reduction? Maybe not, but the happiness index will soar, and happy citizens would burn less fossil fuel. We may have to warn diabetics to stick to sugar free E0 roshogullas.
Ethanol-Blended Incense Sticks (E5 Agarbatti)
For our temples and yoga retreats, we could blend 5% ethanol into agarbatti for a cleaner burn, literally and spiritually. The smoke will carry ethanol’s green vibes to the gods, reducing our carbon karma. As agarbattis spread the smell of a sugarcane distillery, devotees will be reminded of your EBP success. Downside? Priests might start dancing during aarti. We could attribute that to divine enthusiasm!
Why These Ideas, Sir?
The EBP program is a green dream saving ₹1.44 lakh crore and making farmers rich (₹40,000 crore in 2025 alone). It is also cutting CO2 by a modest 0-8%. But here’s the catch: our beloved sugarcane, the heart of this ethanol utopia, is a water-guzzling beast, slurping 7,150 litres per litre of ethanol while our rivers and groundwater in Maharashtra and Uttar Pradesh cry for mercy! It’s like dieting with gulab jamuns, a noble intent, though a messy outcome. Brazil’s E27 program faces the same paradox, drying up their fields for a 10-20% emission cut. Why not blend ethanol into our chai and roshogullas instead, saving water and letting us sip our way to a greener Bharat without turning our farms into deserts?
Brazil went all in with E27 and flex-fuel vehicles. The ethanol blended doodh, pakoras, and roshogullas will diversify our ethanol use and make every Indian a stakeholder in this green revolution. And, if you’re dreaming of offering hydrogen at $1/kg, why not dream of ethanol in every chai stall and sweet shop?
How to Make It Happen?
Label Everything. Brazil’s pumps scream “E27” or “E100.” Our doodhwallahs and chaatwallahs need “E20 Moo” or “E15 Gol Gappa” signs, mandated by the Petroleum & Natural Gas Regulatory Board, to avoid confusion. No one should get a sober pani-puri by mistake!
Subsidize Blending. Offer ₹2,000 crore to Amul and Haldiram’s for ethanol-blending R&D, like your ₹19,744 crore subsidy for hydrogen fuel. If Reliance can aim for $1/kg hydrogen, why not $1/litre ethanol chai?
Do nationwide Consumer Education. Launch ads with you sipping E10 chai, saying, “Bharat ka fuel, Bharat ka taste!” Brazil’s ethanol ads won hearts. We need the Bollywood Khans to sell ethanol roshogullas.
Retrofit Industrial Kitchens. Like Maruti’s E20 kits (₹9,000-₹16,000), fund ethanol compatible kadhais and doodh vats. No corrosion in our bhajiyas, please!
A Small Favour
If hydrogen hits ₹80/kg ($1/kg), can we get a Parsi discount on FCEVs? My old Fiat can’t handle E20, and a Toyota Mirai at ₹50 lakh is a bit much for my humble budget. Until then, I’ll dream of ethanol blended bheja fry at Kyani Café.
Yours in patriotic and slightly tipsy fervour,
Cyrus Behramji Puranafurniturewala
Proud Parsi / Ethanol Enthusiast / Far-out Furniture Fan
P.S. Do invite me to the E20 roshogulla launch. I’ll bring my own ethanol-blended kaju katli!
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